On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

IFI team comes

IFI team comes and bottom line, we need to change our parenting... again.

because as she said, if we don't follow their suggestions, then if there is a violence escalation and the cops are called they'll ask IFI team what are the PARENTS doing and the IFI team will say, 'well, actually, the parents have not taken our suggestions"

and then there was the "you've had lots of therapy and education in the past but you've never had an IFI team in your home"

to which I said, "yeah, but we need more time, 3 hours a week isn't enough"

to which she said, "it's a matter of insurance"

yep. because ultimately, it's still our fault.
even if i know it's not.
because she's an impaired child
because we're not trained professionals
and because we don't have insurance that gets us more time
and because my two years of behavior mod therapy didn't help RAD
and because the books that I've read I've either misunderstood or the IFI team doesn't support (we had a back and forth discussion about what I've read as it is incongruent with what she said)

and yes, now I'm officially a blubbering idiot, in a heap of tears. Forget the anger, I'm at despair.

how many times do I need to change my parenting styles when ultimately, I don't believe any of it will matter?


GB's Mom said...

{{{HUGS}}} I know nothing I can say will help, but I am praying for you all.

FosterAbba said...

Sending good thoughts your way, too. I wish I had some suggestions for you.

J. said...

I hear you but, there is always a but.... I have changed my parenting more times thatn I can count and I finally found what works for Calvin and our family and if you has asked me at the beginning if I would be this kind of parent I would of said - not in a heart beat - but it works for us and even though some days it feels ass backwards and I balked when it was suggested I am doing it and it is working ( most days) and it is hard to change but if they can support it might be worth the effort even though it will all be your effort and you may see no
results. Hang in there.

Cyndi said...

I hope you can get this straightened out soon. we have a very similar issue going, different state. We have a kid who needs to be supervised at all times and rather then give us funds to have staff do that they are offering to pay for out of home placement which is going to cause a lot more and this kid who already has major attachment issues is going to go completely nuts. Try as you might you can not get government to understand how kids like this work and when they become adults it does not get better. Hang in there with all of the rest of us moms who were caring enough or maybe crazy enough to give these kids a chance.

Crayon said...

That makes me so mad! It's like they are trying to set you up when they made the comment about 911. You've been given a lot to handle. You may be Wonder Girl's mom, but you're not Wonder Mom!

Btw, I started following your blog when Sissy was in the RTC. It has been very helpful to see your side of the equation, as a parent. I volunteer doing art therapy with girls like Sissy. I only see one side of the story. I've also seen WAY too many children discharged too early recently. The results are never good.

lovingmygirlsalways said...

I have been following your blog for quite awhile, however I have been away for a bit too so I just read all your back posts. I know that my bugs has the RAD, ADHD, anxiety and ODD and they would assume bi-polar (borderline multi personality) from me. They will not diagnose her with this (which I am kinda happy about) until she is older. I have had my up and downs from hell with her. I am not going to lie and it is still far from perfect with her, but we do not have violent outbursts from her as often. If it does happen it is towards her 3 year old sister.

They say she can't handle not having the attention (obviously)when she sees us giving her sister loves, she acts out sometime after towards her. I don't know if mabey that could be some of what happened with WD? It still by no means make it right but I know once I knew that for sure it kind of helped. Also when we went through parenting it is crazy all the things we have tried. I am not going to lie, I didn't use them all (naughty I know)but I have kind of mumbo jumbled some together from little things I saw working and tried that. Also we got a big white board and wrote down rules - consequences right were she see's it and both of them have their rules on this board. She has to journal starting from 1 sentence every night and we use a thought box too.

I know that her RAD and mental issues are a little worse then my bugs' but I just wanted to kind of put it out there.... I just liked any suggestions I can get. Nothing hurts. She is being better for now. But it isn't perfect. We got her meds adjusted and they were treating her "school/ ADHD" problems first and that has actually helped alot. They have her on both uppers and downers basically and we can certaintly tell a difference and so can her teacher.

I hope and pray that something changes for you guys. I can imagine how scared you are about her hurting one of your other children and I pray that doesn't happen. But if it escaltes to much just call the police, take her to the ER what ever you need to do, don't worry about CPS because in the long run you need to worry about what is best for yourself, her and your other children as well. I wish you luck hun and hope/ pray it gets better........(((hugs)))

Linda B said...

Sounds like a familier thing I was told. The county social worker said if we don't do family therapy again with yet another agency then when services are requested she'll have to say we didn't follow recommendations and we won't get any more. It's not right that one person can have such power to change a family so easily. It's scary.