I have spent much time in quiet reflection. I have read and reread my posts here and in my private journal. I recognize that for those readers that don't know me IRL, my journey since August reads as though I am bipolar, swinging from a very happy, blissful person to a suddenly sullen, sorrowful soul. Please trust me when I tell you, that isn't the case. I will sum it up as grief. Nevertheless, I have sorted, processed, thought and ultimately transformed my energy. I have come to the conclusion, whether I liked it or not, it has been for the best that I did not move last summer as I originally planned. For me, being here in this house and in Georgia one more year, was what I needed.
I have learned that I am a bold, amazing woman that is capable of incredible things. I have gained incredible confidence in myself. I have learned what I need and what I want and even enjoyed the astounding thought that the two might finally overlap. I have a clearer understanding of what is required for the children and I and how to get those needs met. I trust. I have faith, hope, healing, light and love. I have shaken off my fear and buried my demons. I have learned who I am, the REAL Jennie, the person I was before an abusive marriage, the person I was meant to be. And I like her!
And best of all, I have done it by myself.
Now. Have I LIKED doing it by myself? Uh.....no.
Has it made me angry that I've been by myself? Ayup.
Have I wanted to hurt things and people and the universe because of it? Mmmhmmm
But I did it anyway. I even kinda smile and laugh a little bit now.
Yeah. I still cry every day. Some times deep, shaking sobs. If you get a text from me around 7 pm, just know it's because I'm blowing up again. yep yep. Sun goes down, I fall apart. The loneliness. It's killing me. I am believing with insane, blind faith that what I want and what I need will overlap and I will finally be on the path I was intended for in life. As water takes the easiest path when pulled by gravity and across landscapes, I am believing my life will do the same. I'm believing like a mad woman that what I know to be true in my heart will be true in reality. I am in want of only time and the transformation of my energy.
The house is just about as good as I'm going to get it. I did a few more "honey do" list chores this weekend to finish the piddly repairs. There are big things this house needs but it is live-able. An investor's dream because flipping it should be easy. Or made ready for rent. Now to get someone to agree with me and make an offer...
Finding a job? Pbft. I got an email for a phone interview but it's in an area four hours north of where I want to be and in a different state. I was on a job board for another locale because a few months ago I thought my life was headed on a different path and I forgot to pull my resume down off that site. After texting some friends, I'm going to do the interview anyway. I promised myself I would knock on every door to see what would open to me.
It's spring break. I have much work to do. I've also carved out some play time. Story time.
"Such a lovely sunny Sunday, dear," she said as she approached her husband. He had been up for two hours already, his coffee drank, his eggs and bacon happily being broken down by his liver into the six essential nutrients in his digestive system. She found him putzing about in the vegetable garden, pulling weeds, pruning and spraying for bugs. Hearing her voice, he stood from his crouched position, removed his hat and, making eye contact with her, raised an eyebrow, his nonverbal cue that she could continue her thought, he was ready to listen.
"Well," she started to say, but noticing that there were a few rogue lateral buds on the tomato bush, she pinched them off absentmindedly. He waited. "Oh. yes. Sorry." She looked up at him and smiled. "Right. As I was saying. It's a lovely sunny Sunday."
"So it is," he replied and continued waiting. He smiled back at her because he knew she just needed a moment and her words would spill out.
"I was thinking as I finished the laundry, that perhaps we could go to the park today? Feed the ducks? I like to watch the children play. Their laughter is music to my ears." She paused, waiting for a nonverbal cue in his body language to discern if she should continue. Noticing no change in his affect, she decided to up the ante. "I could make us a picnic lunch? And...well, there are enough ripe berries here for a pie..."
Without saying a word, he put his hat back upon his head, gathered his gardening tools and walked toward the shed to put them away, returning with a shallow bucket to begin picking berries. She grinned like a fool and though stiff in her knees from age and arthritis, she skipped and hurried to the back door of the house to begin packing their lunch. He had agreed to her idea.
The screen door slammed closed behind him as he entered with a bucket full of berries. She had already put a strainer in the sink for rinsing them and the pie crust was neatly pressed into the pie dish, waiting. The tea was steeping and sandwiches made. Coming up behind her, he wrapped his free arm around her waist and put a warm kiss on her neck. "Thank you. This is nice. I needed this today."
"You get to pick the park this time," she said as she packed the bag. She giggled. She knew which one he would choose. His favorite park had the old wooden benches beside the walking path that wrapped around the center pond with the fountain. He said it was because the fountain made a soothing sound but she knew his secret. That park was frequented by the lovely young mothers that he enjoyed watching.
He cleared his throat. "Well, I do like that park with the fountain but it doesn't really matter to me."
She rinsed the berries and answered, "Ok. Fountain park it is. Now go get washed up you old fool. You look like a child that's been mucking about in the dirt all morning." Playfully, she snapped the kitchen towel on his backside. "Get, you! Out of my kitchen. I have some more work to do before we can go." She laughed at the feigned look of hurt on his face then snatched his hat off his head and put it on hers.
At the park,they unloaded their items without saying anything but working in tandem like an old team of horses that knew what the other partner needed and would do because it had been done so many times before. They walked hand in hand the long way around the pond toward their favorite bench. Taking up their usual spots, she on his left side, they kicked off their shoes and rubbed their bare feet in the grass. They ate in silence, watching the ducks and listening to the sounds of the scene around them. "You always know," he said at last.
"I do." She nodded her head.
"That is why I love you."
"I know." She whispered back. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. She leaned in to his shoulder and closed her eyes as he wrapped his arm around her. "I always knew."
He harrumphed. "Ayup" Then he placed his hat lower on his head to shield his eyes from the sun,or was it to hide his tears? Crossed his ankles with his legs out in front of him, pulled her closer and laughed. "yup yup yup. You're my little witch."