On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

If I didn't love her

Because a commenter seems to think I don't like Sissy as much as my other children, that I have plans to achieve my "dream family."


If I didn't love her, I wouldn't want to die for her so that she might be well.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't cry so many tears about my inability to help her.

If I didn't love her, i wouldn't have pined for her for 20 months.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have let her physically assault me without assaulting her back.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't alter my lifestyle to accommodate her needs.

If I didn't love her, she wouldn't have strict routines, ALL.YEAR.LONG.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't gauge an outing based on whether or not it will become a trigger for her.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't defend her.

If I didn't love her, I would have given up long ago when the school said she didn't need an IEP. In her sixth year of public education and STILL I try.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't censure what she reads and watches on TV.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't spend so many, many hours in therapy with her.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't go out of my way to remember the things she likes, and provide those things for her.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't discipline her.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't show her the love of Christ every.single.day.

If I didn't love her, my first thought every morning wouldn't be "Dear Lord, help me have your mercies for Sissy this day as you renew your mercies for me today."

If I didn't love her I wouldn't know her favorite color, animal, song, movie, food, activity, beverage, store, clothing, blanket, stuffed toy, or TV show better than she knows it herself.

If I didn't love her, it wouldn't be so hard to make a placement when she needs one.

If I didn't love her, every waking thought of my day wouldn't be consumed with her.

If I didn't love her, every prayer wouldn't be about her.

If I didn't love her, the tears I've cried over the years wouldn't fill the great lakes 10 times over.

If I didn't love her, my therapist wouldn't be telling me that I'm putting myself, my other children and my marriage in jeopardy by investing all of myself in her and her alone.

If I didn't love her, making a safe room for her and stripping it down so she can't hurt herself, wouldn't make me cry.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have quit my 13 year teaching career so I could live just above the poverty level all so i could make sure I was available to her when she was suicidal.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't physically restrain her when she needed it.

If I didn't love her, I would have thrown in the towel when she was three.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have spent four years in ongoing therapy sessions with various different agencies and therapy startegies to learn how to help her.

If I didn't love her, I would have spent all of her social security back pay on myself instead of investing half of it in her safe room and the other half on unpaid bills because I quit my career to live at the poverty level so I could be available to Sissy.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have read volumes of texts and listened to hours of teaching tapes so i could learn how to help her.

If I didn't love her, it wouldn't have cost me relationships with family and friends because they don't understand what we have to do for her safety and well-being ... and likely never will.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have 225 blogspot posts in 10 months time and five years of journal entries on livejournal all about her.

If I didn't love her I'd treat her the way she treats me.

If I didn't love her, it wouldn't break my heart that she is unable to love me.

Because if I didn't love her, I wouldn't care.



If getting Sissy a long term placement is the best thing for her, then because I love her, I will do it. But because I love her, my heart will have a hole where she belongs... forever.

And if that's not love, if that's the heart of a woman that prefers her other children over her and is seeking a "dream family", then I haven't got the slightest clue what love is and deserve to be shot in the head because I'm a hopeless, worthless human.

Anyone ELSE want to judge me? Before you do, come wipe the tears that keep rolling down my face every time I think about her. Come love her as much as I do, and then we'll talk.

8 comments:

Ashley said...

No judgement here, Mama Singer. No judgement here.

GB's Mom said...

You can't take these kind of people seriously. Those of us that know better have you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

C Dawn's bucket said...

:( so sad that someone would judge you and not understand how much this is ripping you apart. Hang in there!

susan_a05 said...

I bawled reading that post, I think your great. Anyone who follows your post even half heartedly can see that you love Sissy, you dont need to justify yourself to anyone.Thinking and praying for you!

Janera said...

Really? Who cares about the comments of someone who clearly does not understand. I'm sure they're very thankful they don't get it.

You have support from the people who know better. Don't let negative comments rattle you. It's hard enough to do what you're doing without giving credence to nonsense.

G Mama Love said...

ok, whose ass do I need to kick for you, sis? because you know i will...

Bren said...

My dear friend....I feel your heart, and though I do not agree with the judgement cast on you, I know that you, like me, can understand it. I am certain the person commenting has no idea of what you live with. EVERY mother of a RAD child can concur that parenting their child has changed who they are. I know for me personally, I would think terrible things of someone like me BEFORE I had a RAD child. It is their lack of understanding a situation that, for me, I would have never dreamed possible. I remember my lawyer begging me NOT to take this child. "She will kill you in your sleep" she said!! WTH???? My reply? "All she needs is a family to love and care for her." THAT is a normal reaction. I was completely oblivious to the reality and, to be honest, I wish I still had that oblivion in which I lived so happily. Don't be upset with the commentor....be happy for them that they still get to live in that state of not knowing the reality of these children. It is a scary place to live for us.
Love you!

Kelly said...

Your a great mom who loves all three of her children. period.