On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

peace with a pain chaser

Listen. Do you hear that? Neither do I. No one is screaming at me.

It's amazing how much you get used to. It's overwhelming, when she's not here, to recognize just how much trauma she adds to the home. And it's agonizing because I can enjoy the quiet for a few days... but I know it'll only last that long because they'll send her back. And I get to go back to hell again. I'm not sure which is worse. Living in hell and not knowing it or living in heaven for a few days knowing that there's nothing you can do to prevent yourself from returning to hell.

I think I'm going to tell the staff at her family meeting before discharge on Friday, "do ya'll like your lives? Do you feel you have quality of life? Do you enjoy your weekends and time to yourself? Because I don't. I have no peace. I have no quality of life. Neither do my husband and two younger children. And you're telling me Sissy gets to come home and I get to do everything TRAINED PROFESSIONALS do but I'm not "trained" And then you're telling me I have to do it 24/7, without breaks, without compensation, benefits or a 401K. You're telling me I have to do everything you do, exactly as you do it. you're telling me I have no choice, that she's my kid. You're telling me you have quality of life working in mental health profession, in a JOB, that you could RESIGN FROM and I'm telling you, I'M NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL BUT I CAN NEVER RESIGN."

think my hot air will be worth it?

I don't either.

THIS IS SO NOT FRIGGIN' FAIR! I'm living a nightmare I'll never wake up from. AND WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?

and that's all I'm going to allow myself to think of it today. I need to keep my zen until Friday afternoon. It may be the only zen time I get for quite some time. Welcome to my hell.


GB's Mom said...

Hell doesn't come back until Friday. You are living today! Take advantage of it. After all, you may get run over by a truck before the meeting Friday. Do not waste this precious break with the "not fairs". I hate myself when I do it. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Kelly said...

I am so sorry. I really wish I knew you in real life so I could be of real support to you. You are an amazing mother. I am just so sorry. And you're right, it's not fair.

Linda B said...

I'm sorry to say you are living the life I lived 2 yrs ago. The only reason it is not happening this moment is because she's 18. Our family has been so shaped by her behavior. I feel awful for our younger kids. They have been robbed of a safe and happy home while she was here. I wish there were answers. I can feel you hanging off the end of that shredded rope.

Lorna said...

Hi, I too have an adopted daughter with RAD. I just discovered your blog and I appreciate your honesty! Our daughter has been with us since she was 18 months. We adopted her from foster care at the age of 4. She is now almost 5. I can relate to so much of what you say even though my daughter is younger. I am curious what your daughter was like at 5? I feel like you do so much of the time and I fear/know it is only going to get worse. I don't want to give up but I am discouraged.

Integrity Singer said...

@lorna - at 5 she was outwardly charming to others and was able to convince them that she was fine so that people were always confused when I would tell them about the behaviors I saw at home. She had tantrums and fits in the classroom but her teacher didn't tell me about it until the last day of the school year. Actually, she YELLED at me that I had to take sissy home early because she just couldn't deal with her fits anymore