Listen. Do you hear that? Neither do I. No one is screaming at me.
It's amazing how much you get used to. It's overwhelming, when she's not here, to recognize just how much trauma she adds to the home. And it's agonizing because I can enjoy the quiet for a few days... but I know it'll only last that long because they'll send her back. And I get to go back to hell again. I'm not sure which is worse. Living in hell and not knowing it or living in heaven for a few days knowing that there's nothing you can do to prevent yourself from returning to hell.
I think I'm going to tell the staff at her family meeting before discharge on Friday, "do ya'll like your lives? Do you feel you have quality of life? Do you enjoy your weekends and time to yourself? Because I don't. I have no peace. I have no quality of life. Neither do my husband and two younger children. And you're telling me Sissy gets to come home and I get to do everything TRAINED PROFESSIONALS do but I'm not "trained" And then you're telling me I have to do it 24/7, without breaks, without compensation, benefits or a 401K. You're telling me I have to do everything you do, exactly as you do it. you're telling me I have no choice, that she's my kid. You're telling me you have quality of life working in mental health profession, in a JOB, that you could RESIGN FROM and I'm telling you, I'M NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL BUT I CAN NEVER RESIGN."
think my hot air will be worth it?
I don't either.
THIS IS SO NOT FRIGGIN' FAIR! I'm living a nightmare I'll never wake up from. AND WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?
SOMEONE HAS TO START TO LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!
and that's all I'm going to allow myself to think of it today. I need to keep my zen until Friday afternoon. It may be the only zen time I get for quite some time. Welcome to my hell.