On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Monday, February 1, 2010

Missed you!

The past few days have been a blur that culminated in a whopping migraine yesterday. So I planted my fanny in the recliner and hunkered down under my softest blanket for the day. And I do mean, THE DAY. But hooray, I didn't toss my cookies and my aura never got so bad that I was seeing stars. *does a little happy dance*

Thus, I have missed being on blogspot, hanging out with all my RAD mommies! *begin round of hugging and loving to everyone* I've tried to catch up on everyone's blogs and yowza, ya'll have been busy!

We are past our halfway mark of Sissy's RTC stay. Insurance gives her the boot at 120 days so we are winding down now. It's been interesting sorting through the progression of my emotions for the first 60 days, most of which was relief and anger. And almost exactly at the 61 day mark, my emotions began to turn back toward missing Sissy and being anxious for how I will prepare for her return both with reading the literature and creating a support system here and in my heart. I told The Dad last night that if nothing else, Sissy's time away has put distance between our emotional connection to her behaviors and our connection to her. In other words (and I think this may be a key to successful RAD parenting): I am no longer feeling emotionally charged by her RAD behaviors so that I believe I can parent her without triggering her

yes, yes, I know. She's not home yet, and at the risk of eating crow two months after her return, I can honestly say that I have a tangible change in my heart toward Sissy that will hopefully benefit us both. Do I miss her? I'm not there yet. Let's say I have a hole in my heart because she's not here to give my love to and I don't feel like filling that hole with anything or anyone other than Sissy. She's going to do her worst and I know that whatever horrible behaviors I can conjure up in my imagination will pale in comparison to how she will be when she first gets home. The difference will be that I won't have already endured 9 straight years without respite. The difference will be that I will have done a lot of soul searching and personal redirection so that I'm more adequately prepared to parent Sissy toward attachment. The difference is that I've got a better handle on how to manage the other people in my family so that when Sissy escalates to crisis, we won't be shaken. The difference is Sissy will be less likely to escalate to crisis because I'll have a keener eye for her triggers and a more savvy ability to redirect.

Gosh. I really hope I'm not eating crow come May...

In other news:
1. Hooray! Sissy remembered to call us last night! In therapy last week we changed our phone call routine so that it forced Sissy to be more actively engaged. We now require that Sissy call US on Sunday nights. At 8:30 pm we were decidedly gloomy that she'd fogotten but we refused to be shaken. Afterall, we gave her the choice to opt out. At 8:38 pm, the phone rang and I flew across the room to pick it up. I think I squealed when I saw the RTC number on caller ID. She remembered! She remembered, she remembered, she remembered! I want to kiss something! Of course, the conversation was still a root canal procedure to get her to say anything or to answer our questions but wow. She called!

2. Wonder girl is having some night time issues. Nightmares, quasi fears, not wanting to be alone but wanting to be a brave big girl, climbing into bed with us on occassion and other such nonsense. I'm being patient and when she's feeling safe, we're talking it through. Her recovery from the trauma at home has probably been the slowest and hardest. Wonder Girl will get there. Yesterday as I bemoaned my throbbing head, she and The Dad played two games of Stratego and I have to say, for a 5 year old, she had a pretty good grasp on the game. She was also openly happy, confident and proud of herself with abandon. It was nice to see.

In therapy, the therapist and I tried to get Sissy to admit the harm she caused her sister. But Sissy faked a crying fit, said she was sorry (but wouldn't say what she was sorry for) and then instantly turned off the water works and began talking 100 mph about some pocket pet thing that costs $1000. As tudusamom told me that evening at dinner, if she can turn it off that fast and avoid going deeper, it wasn't genuine remorse.

So, the current plans (and God help us, in our tiny house) are to put Sissy in the living room behind a temporary wall with an alarm door when she returns. A bed, a dresser and a few items. No way in you-know-where am I putting her back in the room with Wonder Girl until I'm certain that a)Sissy can come clean about how she's hurt her sister and b)be safe to be with her again. I know that may mean months of an abbreviated living space and absolutely no unsupervised time for the girls but really, Wonder Girl is hurting pretty bad and since she doesn't have any diagnosed issues, I don't want to MAKE her have issues, can I get and amen?

3. Aspie Boy's meds got a jump-up last week after he told the small therapy group that he wanted to kill the president, shoot him and murder him. OYE!!!! *smacks self in the head with the butt of my palm* Rush off to the psychologist to do the annual eval and a call to the specialist the verdict is we up his Trazadone. the specialist thinks his moods are directly related to his ill sleep. So he's sleeping and isn't moody but gosh almighty, he's fast and stimming! yesterday he was thumping the kitchen table so hard while stimming that he nearly spilled my coffee and I was sitting at the other end! So... back to riding therapy ASAP. We get him on the horse next week. PHEW.

and that should catch you up for a day or two.
xxoo to everyone!

1 comment:

waldenbunch said...

Glad you're back! I have migraines and they can really knock you out. Good thing we don't have any stress in our lives!