Is it really all about our faith, or is there an element I'm missing, some piece to the puzzle of life that didn't come in my box so that I have a complete picture, minus one piece?
I do have friends here that have kids with needs, in fact, most of the people I hang out with have kids with needs. It's just easier. Strength in numbers kind of thing. Only one of my friends is an adoptive mom and only one of her kids has RADs. Her daughter suffered trauma by both her biological and foster families. She's now 19 and better, but will never achieve full functionality. She is still very RADical.
Last night we went to a benefit concert, Winter Jam Tony Nolan was hosting the concert, drumming support for the charity he's partnered with, Holt International. Holt helps families adopt internationally as well as running a sponsor-a-child program. Nolan of course, has adopted a child from China, assuming custody this past summer, their daughter now three having spent the first few years of her life in an orphanage. They brought the cutie pie on stage and put the microphone in her hand so she could say thank you for people helping the children.
Nolan's own story is wrought with RAD-worthy trauma. You can read the whole story on his web page but the summary is he was severely traumatized by his biological and adoptive families, became a troubled teen and suicidal. His story changes when he made a commitment to Christ instead of killing himself. According to the website, he was instantly changed and healed. At the concert, I looked at my friend, our adopted kids with us, in all their special needs glory, including RADical fun-ness and I said to her, "I don't get it. How is he functional? How is his daughter not traumatized? How is his life not ruined by RADs?" She just shrugged his shoulders.
So I lay awake last night thinking about it. How does God choose whom will be miraculously healed of RADs? Tony Nolan's mother was severely emotionally disturbed. How did he not get mental illness too? If God can heal RADs, why doesn't Cindy have an amazing healing story for all 39 of her kids? Why are so many of us scrambling to find the best plan to help our RADishes but never a magic cure even when we actively pursue God for the answers? How the heck does a RADish that won't receive grace accept the grace of God's forgiveness? Is Tony Nolan exaggerating about his story?
I woke up to these thoughts running through my head, scrambling to put things in place in an attempt to trigger Sissy so we can buy another 30 days from insurance. Processing all the phone calls I made to the county and school yesterday to figure out how to get a more appropriate placement for Sissy when she returns, alerting them to our truncated time frame. Tutoring a math student, running to banks, grocery shopping, it's now snowing, tudusamom and I just getting off the phone with each other, laughing about the insanity of 3" of the white stuff in Georgia, of all places.
I read his hands his feet's post today and I thought, here it is, more faith that I'm lacking in. or maybe God just isn't choosing to bless our family that way. Where is that missing piece in my life and how the heck do I find it?!? As my debit card was denied at the grocery store earlier and I had to put the food I purchased for our weekend long snow-in on credit so I could reimburse the card on Monday when my checking account posts the deposit I made this morning. Fielding a phone call from the Homeless Veterans and the soliciting caller was not sympathetic when I said, "now is not the time in my life for me to be donating to others' causes. now is the time for MY family to be getting much needed help" and all he said was, "Yes ma'am, times are tough for everyone now." (I can't wait for the time technology advances to the level that I can put my hand through the phone and strangle the caller on the other end)
And I read corey's email and I ponder the question she posed, Is the best place for Sissy at RTC; irrespective of insurance, is that where Sissy should be right now and if so, is she really at the best place to meet her needs and yours? and I can't honestly answer that question, because I don't know. I know nothing, apparently, if Tony Nolan can be miraculously healed in an instant and then adopt a daughter that doesnt' have RADs. Or what about some of the other amazing families I know that have adopted kids and none of them have RADs? How did that happen? How did I end up in this place in my life, loving a child but hating the thought of her return because she hates that I love her? Knowing that she will be impaired for life and like it or not, I'm the advocate God appointed for her?
Will Sissy be miraculously healed of RADs and mental illness because I pray hard enough? will the bills be paid and my pantry fill up because I pray hard enough? will God choose to call us to adopt more kids because I pray hard enough? Am I even HEARING God?
Is the missing piece my lack of faith? There are too many unanswered questions in my life, past, present and future for me to believe it could really all be balled up in our faith. But what if I take that tiny step toward faith alone and discover that's been my missing piece all along?