On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Pie in the Sky

It was a challenging weekend with Sissy but we got through it. Four day honeymoon period. Heck, at least we got four days. I was expecting her to launch into full tirade ten minutes in the door. Even with her lousy weekend, I'd have to say the fires I've been putting out have been started by the rest of us.

WG is mad, mad, mad. Holy cow, she is furious. I don't blame her. It's all out of her control and no amount of explaining that Sissy's return is out of our control too is enough to help her seven year old mind sort it out. Truly, if she was older than Sissy and AB, it might be possible for her to cope with their issues but it is so difficult to explain to her that even when they are "mean" it is due in large part to their challenges and not necessarily a direct reflection of their opinion of her. Shoot, there are ADULTS that can't process these thought and I'm asking a seven year old to wrap her brain around it AND to express her anger in appropriate ways in the process. I could say it again but it won't matter: where the heck is the support for the NT siblings?

Right now, WG is attending sessions with my therapist. Next week she goes to the psychologist with the other two to determine if she's medically suffering PTSD as I suspect. (It's one thing for a mom to say it and for a therapist to agree but it's a whole other ball of wax when the psychometric evaluations prove it.) Mom prescribed: WG is taking a sublingual melatonin tablet to address her sleep issues and a daily vitamin with iron because her appetite is so poor which I suspect is anxiety or PTSD related.

AB has needed lots of vistaril, lots of compressions and sensory integration, lots of naps, love, patience and a soft, positive voice. He has a half life in public settings of about 90 minutes which is half as long as usual. I think he's had a manic/depressive cycle, just very mild. The increase in his resperidal has been helpful in keeping the extremes of his mood swings in check. But momma's always know when the meltdowns are coming and so far, I've managed to catch them before he lost his stuffing but I'm not sure how long that's going to work before he has to blow off the steam and get it all out. The last time he had a rage that required physical restraint was February. He's long overdue. Throw in the emotional and traumatic events involving Sissy and it's hard to be anything but empathetic for him.

It's strange to talk about AB's rages and know that I do it with a completely different emotional affect than when I talk about Sissy's rages. It boils down to the RAD component. AB inherently trusts me so when he gets to the point of coming unglued, he trusts that I can help. At first he resists but then he quickly acquiesces and accepts the therapy I'm offering him. In addition, I can predict his weak spots and when he's a volcano waiting to erupt. I can also identify his triggers BEFORE they've even triggered him. AB's issues are like a predictable tide. I know that after there's a high tide, he'll have a low tide and that you can set a watch by it.

Sissy's rages?


It's so hard not to cry about them. To process them, to let them roll off my back, to not be engaged in them, to not be traumatized by them. Just typing these words, my heart rate has increased. *taking deep breaths* The only explanation for the discrepancy between the two is RADs. If,if,if, I say. But I have to stop that anxiety train. What's done is done, we can only move forward.

I haven't touched my quilting in more than a week. It's been tough to get back in pace with managing three. Not kidding, four would be easier. Three is a waltz and if I miss one beat, it all comes tumbling down. My own panic attacks have been managed with some herbal tablets - Ignatia Amara - which has been amazing, much better than the prescription meds. I've also learned that the commercial that says "depression hurts" isn't kidding. I'm taking OTC pain relievers at night with my prn so I can sleep better. I highly recommend it.

I'm taking slow, deep breaths and trying not to get ahead of myself. It's hard. My mind is racing with ideas, plans, thoughts, concerns and the irrefutable truth that at age 11, we have hit the ceiling in what is available in therapy, medication and placement options for Sissy. There just isn't anything else beyond securing DD assistance for her and even then, treatment, medication and placement options won't change. It just helps her move to services better when she's an adult. Keeping only MH diagnoses on Axis I severely limits her because MH is considered treatable and manageable. For some, that is a realistic expectation. For Sissy, it's pie in the sky.

Perhaps I can convince The Dad to do a post about how HE's doing. I won't presume to speak for him, although he would tell me I could articulate it better than he could anyway.

Tomorrow the IFI mayhem begins. We have three appointments with them in the next three days. I'm going to be educating them about the use of mandalas and puppets to get Sissy to talk.