On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, April 18, 2010

string theory

some of you have emailed directly asking if we're doing alright. Thanks so much for that love! It's been a really hard week that started out well and tanked with a giant capital 'T!' rather quickly. Point of fact, this is the first time I've had the chance to even LOOK at my computer and email in at least 48 hours, if not longer.

and no, I don't want to rehash the specifics. Somethings in our lives aren't worth remembering or recording in the blogosphere. I'd be quite happy if this past week was vaporized from my memory forever.

as I told my therapist, it would be amazing if I could get 5 straight days without chaos, crisis or other cataclysmic event happening. She is increasingly anxious that I do not have more local support and I continue to remind her that at the rate of chaos in my life, good Samaritin people will quickly be burned out. It's that bad. Plus, there is the obvious side effect of ruining budding friendships because my life is always chaotic. RRIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG. "Who's calling? Integrity again? Don't answer it. She's got some other crisis going on and I just can't deal with that right now.

yeah. because that could easily be a very real scenario. That and this scenario: one friend speaking to another, "You know, I know Integrity says she isn't mentally ill but the rate at which he life goes to the crapper, it makes you wonder if she's not making bad life choices or is a little "off" and that's what keeps causing these things. No one's life is this horrible every single day without explanation"

"yeah, it's out of control. Maybe she needs to learn some parenting and life skills?"

because seriously. If my counselor is grasping at straws and saying "I feel inadequate to offer any help that is meaningful" then it has to be true. My life is out of control. But the problem is, no matter how many times you explain to the average person how challenging, how hard, how insane, how out-of-control life is raising two challenged kids, they don't really understand it. And they can't. It's impossible even for me and my counselor to figure out just how to stop this freight train I call "my life" I might as well tell people, "woei ewojr mfuos so souel dolihpw" becasue it translates to roughly the same thing in their brains. huh? I hear Integrity saying something and I don't really get it but I want her to know I care so I'm just going to nod my head in agreement and say, "Wow. that must be hard for you. I'll remember you in my prayers." what else are people going to say or do?

I've tried begging God. Literally, begging that He would be merciful and kind and make the nonsense stop. I've tried pleading with Him for super natural wisdom that will steer us to a path for our life that is less insane, maybe even more fruitful. I get bupkis. I hate getting bupkis from God. Really.Hate.That. How much more of myself can I expend trying to get God to listen and help?

and the highlight of the week (said tongue-in-cheek) after a culmination of 7 hours of my life applying for SSDI for Aspie Boy and Sissy, I learn that our state is so backlogged we won't hear anything until December at the earliest. Apparently our "great governor" (whom I did NOT vote for, fyi) has furloughed the state's M.D.'s and is outsourcing the backlog of SSD paperwork to Oklahoma City and Minnesota to process it. Right. Because that costs the state less than paying for M.D.'s? Whatever. That's a fish I can't fry today. Or like, ever.

Here's what I wrote to my IRL friend in an email:
I want to curl up and sleep for a very long, long time and then wake up and discover that my whole life has actually just been a nightmare and that the truth is I live very comfortably with three children that are Mensa kids and I have a PhD in bioengineering and The Dad has franchised the business and now it's a multimillion dollar/year business that he earns money on instead of working like an indentured servant every day...

hey. I can dream, can't I? String theory. In an alternate universe that occurs in another dimension right here in our midst, that is the life I'm living. When I figure out how to transport myself to that other dimension and that other parallel universe, I'll let you know!


Linda B said...

If we lived closer than say MN is to GA I would be sitting in the shade with you relaxing. We might be in straight jackets and on valium, but I'd be right there with you! When it's tough here I always say "Well it could be worse..." I am so sorry that your situation is the worse. Dang those govenors with that ignorant powers. We have one here too.

FosterAbba said...

I'd say the say the same thing if I lived closer. I'd be sitting on your porch drinking highly toxic margaritas and mumbling along with you...

GB's Mom said...

I'll start looking at alternative universes right away! {{{Hugs}}}

Rose said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile even though I haven't commented. I know it's inadequate but ((hugs))

Jenn said...

I've been peeking in every day to see if you'd updated, and I'm sad to hear that things are so bad. :/ Your governor sounds like he needs a good kick!

Cyndi said...

What the heck here in Minnesota our lovely governor has cut services for our kids, maybe some of that money they are making from Georgia could be put to good use and give one or two of our kids back the services they need. At least that way something good could come out of the craziness.