On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Pardon my French

So i'm reading more about the terminated russian adoption story. As always, more details come out later. blah blah blah (not to the story, to the media)

Quoting excerpts from a web article:
Hansen chronicled a list of problems: hitting, screaming and spitting at his mother and threatening to kill family members. Hansen said his eruptions were often sparked when he was denied something he wanted, like toys or video games.

"He drew a picture of our house burning down and he'll tell anybody that he's going to burn our house down with us in it," she said. "It got to be where you feared for your safety. It was terrible."

Hansen said she thought that with their love, they could help him. "I was wrong," she said.

In February, Hansen said, the family could take no more. The boy flew into a rage, snatched a 3-pound statue and tried to attack his aunt with it. Hansen said he was apparently upset after his aunt asked him to correct math problems on his school work.

But this little nugget nearly made me spit out my drink
Adoption experts say many families are blinded by their desire to adopt and don't always understand what the orphans have sometimes endured — especially older children who may have been neglected or abandoned.

"They're not prepared to appreciate, psychologically, the kinds of conditions these kids have been exposed to and the effect it has had on them," said Joseph LaBarbera, a clinical psychologist at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville.

I have one retort.

No Shit, Sherlock. Dumb Ass.

And how many of those hoity toity clinical psychologists are stepping down from their high Vanderbilt horses to get in the trenches and discover just how bad it really gets? Or better yet, HELP us?!?!?

oh wait.

They would rather tell us we're doing it all wrong, that WE'RE the ones that cause the children to escalate to violence. I forgot. Silly me. I'm just an ignorant adoptive mom that thought she could love a traumatized child into healing.

Guess this one is burning my britches a little. Perhaps if Sissy hadn't given us more of the same crap she started the day out with, I'd be a little less ... pissed off? And I suppose I could have opted to call the IFI team to help us but ... yeah, we were at the lake, 40 minutes from home. And she was in the van, screaming her head off because she was HORRIBLE to two little boys on the playground. And this while she was being supervised!!!!!

If anything good comes from this adoption travesty, I hope it includes a more global understanding of what adoptive families endure when trying to help these children and just how piss poor the mental health system is to guide us through these unchartered waters successfully. I hope it creates an overwhelming response from adoption agencies to thoroughly educate potential parents. I hope it gets the monkeys off our backs, the comments from typical families who don't understand the very drastic and often bizarre things parents have to do to ensure safety and sanity in the home environment for RADishes.

I'll stick my neck out there one more time, I maintain that we need advocacy, we need a vocal organization that gets the attention of the big wigs! RAD blogging is great, but is the media reading all of our posts about this adoption, are they asking the other moms that are also living Torry Hansen's nightmare what WE think? NO! Because they don't know we're here!!!! They don't give us a voice because they don't know we have one!!! It's like Horton hears a Who, only no one is hearing us and trying to save us, not even Horton. And that chaps my ass. And it makes me want to drive straight to Vanderbilt and punch Joseph LaBarbera in the face!

Pop the lid off a wine cooler. I need to go chill out in the tub with that new bathset Corey gave me. I won't have to add hot water, I'm boiling already.


waldenbunch said...

This story has brought up such intense feelings in me. Enough to bring out my old journals to remember how bad it really was. Time does dim the memories but this story sure has triggered that old desperation. I haven't read my journals since B left for RTC 6 years ago. Couldn't face the memories. She is now 20 and we have no idea where she is. How terrible to feel grateful we survived and her siblings have learned to live again without oppression and anger and fear. Still 2 RADishes healing but it could never be like it was with B. I know where you are and I'm sorry anyone has to go through it.

GB's Mom said...

Sorry about your day. {{{Hugs}}}

Jennie said...

Marty, I am SO sorry for your heartache! I really really really want to hang on to a hope that we can help Sissy navigate life with some modicum of success. But some days, it feels so hopeless. For me, if I felt like the general populace had a true picture of adoption (yes, I know some are good ones, I just landed in a bad one) and not those ridiculous fictionalized happy touchy feely stories that make it to TV, it would help. Alot. I'm so tired of being the scape goat for Sissy's violence. She's not getting better no matter what I do. She just keeps cycling and I am powerless to stop it. So when these psychologists spout of that crap from their cushiony leather chairs behind mahogony desks, it really burns me.