On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Will this ever end?

LONG trip to the hospital with Sissy - unescorted - again. Yeah, because like hell was I going to have another pissy EMT drive us in an ambulance. There's a memory I can do without repeating.

When most people go to the hospital for direct admission, they are not escorted by a hospital security guard to the unit.

Unless you're admitting a pediatric psychiatric patient.

Fun times.

Let me tell you, the looks and glances from people on the elevator with us (ninth floor ward, ya'll. it was a LONG ride up with a stop to nearly every floor on the way all with a security escort) are a bit much to bare. I wanted to say hey rubberneckers - YOU wanna raise my mentally ill daughter?!? Piss off! Fortunately, Sissy had her quilt from her Noni wrapped tightly around her head, obscuring her identity. Yes, that may have been part of the reason we were getting strange looks but honestly, the security escort didn't help. Especially when he gave knowing glances to every medical professional that got on and off that elevator on the way up. Oh, and then said idiotic things to Sissy. Seriously, you'd think he'd never escorted a psych patient before. He was more nervous than me.

Sissy's only complaint after days of escalating behaviors ending in a mobile crisis team at the house tuesday morning? great. Now I'll have to get all that lab work done again.


We finally made it to the ward with escort and when the locked doors flew open when he waved his security pass, I breathed out, "ah, home." A Freudian slip? Sure. But heck, we've been up there often enough and really, it is quiet, bland and PRECISELY what Sissy needs to deescalate. She immediately settled down and then began her don't-admit-any-fault-whatsoever-lie-to-save-your-ass game with the nursing and psychiatric staff that finished our intake. Fortunately for me, the doc on the unit yesterday has been with Sissy before and called her bluffs. which Sissy was not amused by and thus she shut down altogether. Because that's what you do when you don't want to tell a doctor what events led up to your involuntary psychiatric placement, right? Right?

I've had enough psychosis to last me a lifetime. My poor baby's mind is splintering before our eyes and no one is able to stop it. I've gotten more compliments from the professional staff on our case in the last 35 days about The Dad's and my parenting abilities than I've received in the last five years trying to get help for Sissy. Everyone, not some, EVERYONE agrees Sissy needs long term. No one is able to secure that for us because? Because our state no longer offers that for children.

The hope is that she'll be back in residential by next week. She was home 35 days before nuclear meltdown.

Honestly? I'm surprised it took her that long.

God, will this ever end?


Jennifer said...

Oh how my heart aches for you and your family. I think of you and pray for you a lot during the day and I will continue.

Huge hugs!

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

I'm not fabulous with words when people are hurting from and struggling through extremely tough times, but I want you to know that I love you and I pray for you often.

the cavclan said...

i am so sorry....I wish there was a magic wand to help sissy heal and want to heal. I wish there was a way to help you and the dad and not make you feel terrible for trying your hardest to parent a mentally ill child. all I can do is offer a hug. your not alone....

Cyndi said...

There are many days when I think that very same thought, Will this ever end?? I sure hope so because there has got to be something better then crazy land.

LJ said...

I cannot begin to imagine the struggles you go through, but I can tell you that your sharing of them will help someone else feel that they are not alone.

LJ said...

I cannot begin to imagine all that you go through, but your struggles will help others going through the same - thank you.

Debora said...

You definitely make us feel like we're not alone...though I'm sure that's small comfort. Big hugs to you, and tears, and anger, too, for Sissy and for you all. I am praying that your state changes pronto. And I'm praying that our daughter doesn't come home from RTC in a week. Do I feel like an awful mom? Yep. But that's reality here in what my daugher wants to believe is la-la land.

Much love to you!!!

Elizabeth-Anne said...

Bless you.

cinch said...

Love you....BUNCHES!!!

Lisa said...

It's comforting that others are finally seeing what you see, calling her bluff and getting on board with RTC. This, however, is little consolation to you if the services she needs, requires, MUST HAVE, do not exist in your state. Even in the states that do, it is harder than heck to get in and a constant struggle to keep them in. I prayed for an RTC opening for my son, I prayed we could convince the powers that be that he needed to be there. At some point I realized that I was praying for the wrong thing. I don't believe the inferior RTC in our state can actually help him, just expose him to even worse behaviors so I gave up on that and am now just focusing on getting him adult services when he turns 18, medicating him, and playing the waiting game to 18. Now, I must win the "Worst Mother in the Land" award for that. I am not talking hopeless here, I am talking acceptance for things I have no control over and cannot change. Now, I can control him living here after age 18 and continuously subjecting our younger kids to his mean, surly, raging behaviors and I will.