On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Full Score

When the heart is empty
But the head is full
There is much to be thought
There is taffy to pull.

When the heart is empty
The thoughts have no end
Neither song will lift the spirit
Nor a hug from a friend.

When the heart is empty
Nothing slakes thirst
The mouth gets dry
and drier still;
The emptiness might burst.

When the heart is empty
It solicits overflowing;
All beauty in the universe
Wanes though it be glowing.

When the heart is empty
No river satisfies;
An ocean full of salt
Denigrates and denies.

When the heart is empty
The struggle is the mind.
Overtake the brooding
That causes sight to blind.

When the heart is empty
It robs the eyes that see
Of colors, vibrant, flourishing
Of visions to be free.

Yet though I try to stop the mind
From draining my poor heart
By filling it with pretty thoughts,
With beauty and with art,
My heart beats slow
And slower still;
Nary a drop
Of blood will fill
Til oxygen flees from ev'ry part
Slowing the mind
To the very start.

In the distant rumbling
Paces of life march on.
A beat that echoes tirelessly
Be thou ugly duck or swan.

The steady thrum is pulling
Beseeching the weary soul
To come alive once more
To not surrender the whole.

Answering the engaging call
Is a heart not yet laid bare.
Beating tandem with the throng
A pulse of love flows there.

Beat, heart, beat I say!
The end is not so near.
Though dark the hour still may be
There is less and less to fear.

Find a rhythm strong and fierce
Awaken the darkened wit.
Embolden the colors of life anew
With wisdom you must admit
The mind is the enemy
It out thinks delight
It burdens the soul with heaviness
It blocks out the light
Until the heart does cease and quit;
To feel the pulsating beats within
To know the life that it has lit.

So beat the drum with fists of rage
Til the heart is full once more.
Squelch the zealous, pensive mind
With love and life full score.


s5 said...

Hi integrity,

I have been reading your whole blog lately and I keep thinking a lot about you and your eldest daughter.

Sometimes I go to sleep and try to figure out what the world inside your little girls looks like that makes her act the way she did.

Did you ever consider the possibility that she might have dissociative identity disorder? Did she ever see a specialist on that?

Integrity Singer said...

@ s5 - thank you so much for your thoughts and concern. It means SO much, I can never explain how it feels to know so many of my readers have gotten so invested in our story. Yes, actually, DID is "on the table" for my daughter. That is to say, her psychiatrist is monitoring her for the following but will reserve final diagnosis until after puberty: bipolar with psychoses, schizoid affectiveness disorder, schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. Many inhibitied RADs with severe very early infancy trauma do split. We've seen at least four different identities already.