yes, I'm still alive.
My whole body HURTS. My head HURTS. My brain HURTS. My heart HURTS.
I'm sitting in bed at 11:30 a.m., covers pulled up to my chest, AC set to 74, ceiling fan on high, coffee on my bedside table along with quilt mags that came in the mail earlier this week. Talk about despondent - I haven't even opened the magazines. Quilting? Hasn't happened all week.
AB is in his pajamas, lying on the floor singing to the dog who is also lying on the floor.
The Dad is in the recliner, hardly able to move. He's as sore as I am but for different reasons. WG has slept in our bed all week because she's terrified of Sissy's violent behaviors and screaming so The Dad has acquiesced and slept in the recliner all week. Neither of us has slept well at all, Sissy's been a loud, restless sleeper for two weeks now. We're on pins and needles because she is sleep walking again and the alarm is no longer sufficient to contain her in her room.
WG is also in her pajamas, playing contentedly with her stuffed doggies. She had major meltdowns the last two days, venting her fear and anxiety by beating up and berating me. We have been working through a therapy packet Sissy's therapist left for us. It seems to be stirring things up in WG's little mind.
Sissy is in the shower, I'm waiting for her to call 5's ... hold on, she's shouting ...
OK, so I went into the bathroom, she was hollering that there was no shampoo. (there was). She was showering in the dark and the bathroom smelled like urine, her soaked underwear in a ball on the bathroom floor ...
God, it's going to be a long day.
6 comments:
Oh dear ... I can't believe what you are living through. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I'm sorry for what you are all going through ... which isn't really helpful ... but I don't know what else to say.
Maria (Canada)
I do not have the words. I am so sorry that your family is in the midst of this crisis and "they" the poweres that be will not help. What I can do is pray that somehow, some way the insurance or whoever will see that they have to get her out of there. Hugs Jennie, God how I wish I could do more.
This is where you step back from the situation and detach - emotionally distance yourself for your own good. All of these situations, instances, etc help you move back a little bit, or they destroy you. It's the big things that garner the attention, it's the little things that wear you down and crush you a little bit every day until you can't function. It sounds funny saying you need to detach from the child you are so desperately trying to help - because if she were attached to begin with, your problems would be exponentially lessened. Yes, the mental illness would still be there, but there is such a huge difference (as you know) between parenting an attached child with problems and an unattached child with problems (who also hates you). It's not about giving up, it's not about rejecting the child. It should be quite obvious to all the professionals here that Sissy DOES NOT DO WELL IN A HOME ENVIRONMENT - it wouldn't matter whose home. If she can do well in a hospital or residential setting - well hurray for that. If she can heal in a setting like that (eventually) even better, but ping-ponging back and forth every few months is just such a waste of time and energy and MONEY that they supposedly don't have to spend anyway. This system is so screwed up there are truly no words to describe how they're making the problems even worse for the families they're trying to help.
Precious friend, I wish I had the words...I wish so very much I had the solution you need!
I do hope we've talked enough for you to know I write this in love. You know I'm a long-time reader and "sister", so I have to tell you that I see the situation has gone far past misery, even past dangerous. It is now to the point that your entire family is under seige, and who knows what it will take to help the rest of you overcome and get to a point of health again. It is past time for you to do what you know you have to do, for her sake and for the sake of everyone under that roof. Time to do it.
I've only recently begun reading your blog. Right now if I could I would give you a huge hug and an offer to stay with Sissy for a few days. How I wished we'd had respite available freely in our area during our time of turmoil. I remember well sleeping in recliners or on the floor of our daughter's bedroom to make sure she didn't fatally cut herself.
Our situations aren't exactly the same but I understand the despondency and exhaustion.
{{hugs and prayers}}
-T-
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