The truth is, I was never good at the game Truth or Dare largely because I'm a lousy liar. Except maybe that's not true either.
The truth is, I'm good at covering up the truth so I can pursue my fake-it-til-i-make-it mantra.
The truth is, as a child I was told I was a glass-half-empty kind of kid, pessimistic and melancholic.
The truth is, as a child I was told I'd never finish what I started.
The truth is, I had a childhood filled with trauma myself.
The truth is, I have had no control over the trauma that has happened in my life, both childhood and adulthood that now that lack of control has become a trigger for ME.
The truth is, if "fair" is getting what you need, then my life hasn't been fair.
The truth is I haven't been reading my bloggy friends' blogs, even though I fell madly in love with all of you in Orlando. Because the truth is, no matter what you write about, it still sounds like more successful than my family's story.
When ATTACh.org picked up my "Layers of Loss" article to use in their packet for new parents of traumatized children, I was excited because they "paid" me with a membership. The truth is, I'd like to take a bazooka gun and blow it all to hell because those moms on the google chat board are so optimistic and hopeful and their children respond to the therapeutic parenting. It feels like knives carving out my heart.
The truth is I have kept on and kept on and kept on with Sissy because contrary to my childhood messages, I'm an eternal optimist. I cover the truth with my fake-it-til-i-make-it mantra because I don't want to let go of hope that Sissy will finally, FINALLY make strides toward healing.
The truth is I'm happy, confident, filled with joy and laughter, loving, patient and kind. Melancholy settles in only occasionally and always for good cause. The truth is, it has taken me years, but I can finally say that despite the trauma of my own childhood, I'm finally the person I was before my father got sick - and I LIKE me.
The truth is I DO finish what I start provided I'm not emotionally caught up in the most recent life trauma. You wouldn't believe the things I've gotten accomplished in the month Sissy has been gone.
The truth is, if I give up on Sissy, then maybe the childhood message will prove true: I DON'T finish what I start.
The truth is, my entire life has been so filled with trauma, it has overwhelmed me like a 50 foot tsunami crashing over me again and again... and again.
The truth is, the overlaps and parallels between my childhood trauma and my adulthood trauma are staggering.
The truth is, the trauma has finally caught up with my body and mind. After a terrifying string of panic attacks over the last week, brought on by the initial trigger of Sissy reporting in phone therapy that she will return to her behaviors when sent home even though she behaves at the hospital, I have met the end of my resolve, my hope, my strength. I'm exhausted in anyway possible to be exhausted.
The truth is, though I consider myself a strong, vibrant, capable woman, right now I am very fragile and weak. The truth is, I'm terrified that I'll never regain that strength.
Sissy will never heal, has no designs to heal. It goes way beyond RAD and therapeutic parenting for her.
The truth is no matter what doctors and therapists say, they will not convince me otherwise: Sissy's brain was traumatized so early in her infancy because of the neglect, depravity and abuse that there is no possible chance of recapturing that which has been lost for her.
The truth is, that is devastating for everyone, Sissy included.
The truth is, for those children whose brains are not so irrevocably altered, it still boils down to choice, choice, choice. Provided with all the tools to heal, all the unconditional love, all the therapeutic parenting skills, it is still a child's choice to heal or not to heal.
The truth is we may have some very difficult choices ahead of us to preserve our family's well-being. The truth is, that terrifies me all the way to my bones.
The truth is, despite it all, some part of me still wants to believe that if I apply what I've learned about my own life of trauma and how I've dealt with it and pursued healing, i can teach it to Sissy and she'll get it, really GET it.
The truth is, I love her so much that I can't see the truth: she won't GET it. Ever.
Your turn. I dare you to tell the truth.