On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Friday, April 8, 2011

ENOUGH

The hospital Sissy is at has a policy for out-of-town families that therapy phone sessions be conducted once weekly with one mandatory face-to-face session a month. TLs (therapeutic leave) don't start until after 30 days. Sissy has hit thirty days so the TLs begin.

*whine, moan sob*

Oh, the TL. Yes, an ulterior motive to try to trigger the behaviors so the hospital has something to document for insurance to believe that a child still needs placement. It's a game. And yes, I'm aware this statement reads poorly. I understand that it sounds cold, callous and unfeeling. Go ahead, say it, Don't you WANT Sissy back?

Yes. IF she's healthy and stable. No point in sending her to RTC for thirty days so she can come home and do it all again. As I told her therapist, "she needs time and distance away from her rages so she can reset her brain." It's kind of like a road - if it goes untraveled long enough, the grass and weeds start growing up and eventually it's impassable. EXACTLY the plan, provided we can keep Sissy in RTC long enough.

This week's phone session had me on edge, unable to sleep, pacing, running thoughts in my head, anxious, just worked myself up into a real dither. The point of a therapeutic phone session with my child is lost on me. I have done a rough estimate and have figured that I've logged the equivalent of two straight months, 24/7 talking to doctors and therapists about my child. It hasn't done *bleep* for her yet, so how in blue blazes will it do anything NOW? It's so *bleeping* useless.

And then she says crap on the phone too. Like how she'll only use her coping skills at the RTC and won't use them at home. And how she likes it at the RTC. And how she doesn't like it at home. Or how she won't rage at RTC but will rage at home. SAYING IT. OUT LOUD. IN FRONT OF THE THERAPIST. She has no intention of changing her behavior with us. And no answer for why. Said that she knows her rages give her brother migraines. Says she knows it scares her sister, that her sister is afraid of her. Knows it hurts our feelings when she tells us that she will refuse to obey unless we give her something and that she doesn't love us or even like us.

I think I could do without the *BLEEPING* phone sessions, thank you very much. But now, NOW we have to add the *bleeping* TLs to the mix. And I said straight up, I'm not bringing AB. Period. No way in hell am I subjecting him and all of his issues to it. WG, yes. She can deal with it. But poor AB can't even tolerate being in a vehicle half the time.

It's too much. It's all too *bleep bleeping bleep* much. Enough already. Seriously, enough. Why should we continue to put forth effort if she's saying in therapy 30 days in to her placement that she has no intentions of altering her behaviors at home? She shows NO remorse. None. No love. No compassion. No feeling. Nothing. Nothing at all. When asked if she feels bad about her rages afterward she paused and then said, "no. not really."

And today ... today The Dear Dad learned that he may have suffered nerve damage hearing loss as a result of her rages. If that's not a significant price to pay for our child, our daughter who DOESN'T *BLEEPING* CARE, then I don't have a *BLEEPING BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* clue what the *BLEEP* is.

11 comments:

sweethoneydoo said...

and how is her not saying this to you in front of her therapist not enough proof to remove her butt from your house??

on a side note, since you like to list the books you have read, you need to www.goodreads.com tis a lovely place and you can list all the books you read, follow authors, and even get recommendations for new reads, swap books, etc. i randomly stumbled upon it a several months back and forgot to suggest it to you.

-eure_maum

Cyndi said...

We are doing this therapy thing too, and I Have absolutely no clue why money is being wasted on this since our kid wants nothing to do with it either. She has made it very clear that she does not want help and we are wasting our time trying. You know all I want is for funds to supervise the kid so the rest of us can live in peace. It is as simple as that.

GB's Mom said...

I am sorry the system is so clueless when it comes to Sissy. Living in peace sounds sooo good.

robyncalgary said...

ugh! x a zillion :(

the wont rage at RTC thing, im sure its not "ethical" or whatever in the therapist's eyes, but if i were you id love to tell sissy "hey, if you want to stay in RTC then you HAVE to rage there so they see you need to be there" :P cause isnt the lack of behaviours there what gets her sent home faster?

thinking of you and yours <3

Debora said...

I think Robyn is right! I am so sorry for all the pain and anguish Sissy has caused and is still causing. Poor Dad with his hearing loss. Ugh. Please know we're all pulling for you and praying for you!

Jen said...

I could have written this blog post and well, I guess I have written posts just about like it. I am living this too. I read your words, and I think, "I don't blame her. I don't judge her. I don't think this is her fault so why does it feel like everyone in the system is pointing their finger at me?" We feel this way for a reason. It's because we've tirelessly given everything we have and don't have for these kids, and we can't do it anymore. It's not our fault! Wake up professionals and GET this PLEASE!

Jen said...

I could have written this blog post and well, I guess I have written posts just about like it. I am living this too. I read your words, and I think, "I don't blame this mom. I don't judge her. I don't think this is her fault so why does it feel like everyone in the system is pointing their finger at me?" We feel this way for a reason. It's because we've tirelessly given everything we have and don't have for these kids, and we can't do it anymore. It's not our fault! Wake up professionals and GET this PLEASE!

kisekileia said...

At least the therapist hears Sissy admit that she rages at home and will continue to rage at home. I like Robyn's idea, although it's possible Sissy would continue to not rage at RTC just because she didn't want to follow a suggestion from Integrity.

@Jen: I think the difficulty is that sometimes, with other kids, it IS at least partly the parents' fault. There are some really bad parents out there, and a lot of kids who have psych issues because of their parents. It's not always easy for people outside a family to tell whether a parent's self-assessment that they're doing the best for their child is accurate, because I'd expect almost any parent to say that whether they are doing their best or not.

Integrity Singer said...

@ kisekileia - you are absolutely right about the parent issue. Unfortunately, the "bad eggs" make it impossible for the "good eggs" and the irony of it is I'm a GOOD parent by admitting that my daughter's needs supersede my ability. I've said many, many times to many different therapists and doctors, "I'm inadequate to supply my daughter's mental health needs."

kisekileia said...

I agree that that makes you a good, responsible parent. I know I wouldn't be able to do what you do.

Reighnie said...

I agree with Jen.

CDQ is still pulling her crap at RTC too. I asked what would happen if the insurance felt that she was ready to go home but they (the RTC) knew she wasn't. I don't know if it's just our state but her therapist told me that if she wasn't able to stay in RTC because the insurance wouldn't pay we were guaranteed up to 24 months in TFC and that would buy us more time.

So far though, she's still using suicide for attention and she self-harmed herself the other day so there's no way she's going to be released. (Doesn't it sound awful to say it like that... I know it's all about safety for her and our family but even her therapist puts it that way.)

I don't know what the point of subjecting the family to more abuse is for either. CDQ calls me to ask me for stuff or to yell at me...how does that help? All it does is give her what she wants and triggers my PTSD.

So sorry you have to go through that, but I think you're right about keeping your other child out of the mix.