On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

28 days

Just trying to soak up the bliss in the country. 28 days Sissy has been gone. I know, I said I wasn't going to count but it kinda hit me this evening; the fact that she's been gone four weeks today.

I'm still doing everything in my power to not think of her mess, to not get riled up, to just breathe and let the waves of peace wash over me. My ears are ringing less and less everyday.

Except I still wake up wanting to punch something (and as I enlightened the Orlando moms, do my "shower therapy" verbal chanting). I have to cognitively remind myself when my eyes pop open that Sissy isn't here, the morning will go well, the afternoon will go well, the evening will go well, the bedtime hour will go well, that I will be well, that my family will be well. Yep. All that before my body rolls out of bed.

Men have no idea that women can do so much before they even move a muscle every day.

Spring break week and it's the first spring break EVER as a parent of school aged children that I haven't been on edge.

I still have to force myself to stop thinking about her at night so I can fall asleep but at least I'm not crying myself to sleep about her. I still have weird anxiety filled dreams about Sissy but at least I'm not waking up to a living nightmare too. I still think about her and talk about her during the day but I can stop myself and redirect my attention to having fun with the other two or by doing fun things for myself. Hello? LIBRARY?! My favorite weekly family activity that was completely usurped by Sissy this school year. Next best, parks, and we have done three already and this is just Tuesday. (AB has gotten in some serious swinging mileage.)

Laughing. Ah. Laughing is so good. And how about this one? AB and WG chasing each other tossing pillows and stuffed dogs and ducks and giggling, smiling and having a rip roaring good time just the two of them. When was the last time THAT happened? It was so nice. And I only said once, "be careful, you might break something." And guess what? They listened and obeyed. Just like that. When was the last time THAT happened?!?!

28 days ... of beauty, bliss and bounty.


Lisa said...

It's all the little things that everyone else takes for granted - maybe that's our lesson here? I am so glad you are making a deliberate effort to enjoy this time with AB and WG. They deserve a happy mom just as much as you deserve peace and happiness.

We just finished the spring break from hell with my 2 radlings and I completely understand what a blessing this week is for you!

J. said...

laughter is the best medecine, don't forget how no matter what happens. hang in there.

Barb G said...


cinch said...

It is nice to hear happiness! I love ya!

Miz Kizzle said...

Can you move and leave no forwarding address? I know, it wouldn't be feasible but it's a great fantasy, isn't it?
BTW, I went to summer camp with a girl whose parents actually did that. They moved to Israel without telling her. I totally sympathized with them; the girl was positively demonic.
Good luck with TL.

Reighnie said...

*smiling* It's beautiful isn't it? Their laughter it's a gift all by itself.

I actually had Miz Kizzle's fantasy today. lol