On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

one year

Today marks a year from the day we brought Sissy to RTC. 100 days of respite is now what I consider it.

It didn't help Sissy. I can't really say it made things worse either. At this point, we have reached the regrettable conclusion that Sissy really doesn't give a crap, it literally does.not.matter.to.her either way. Love the stuffing out of her? She'll rage. Completely ignore her? She'll rage. Find the middle of the road? She'll rage. So what's the point?

She is so emotionally detached and indifferent toward us that we're numb. My friend's nonverbal autistic son is more demonstrative in his emotion! Sissy couldn't care less if we were here or not, she cares only that her needs and demands are appropriately addressed. That is, if we address them by HER definition of appropriation.

A year ago I did what I thought was the most difficult thing a mother could do, I committed my child to a psychiatric facility. A year later I'm now doing what I consider to be the most difficult thing a mother can do, I'm attempting to parent a child that doesn't want my parenting.

A year later I've learned a lot and Sissy has learned nothing. A year later I've changed a lot and Sissy has changed nothing. A year later I'm more tired, more emotionally distressed, more bedraggled, more anxious, more worried, more stressed, more traumatized, more angry and more hopeless. A year later and Sissy is still a blank, emotionless droid that rages for hours when she doesn't get her way.

A year later and it's thanksgiving again. A year later and I'm still having trouble getting through my pain and sorrow to find things to be thankful for. A year later and Sissy still doesn't know what it means to be thankful.

One year later and RTC, IFI and CBAY or not, Sissy's issues are worse, not better.


GB's Mom said...

Be thankful for WG and AB. It won't get rid of the pain over Sissy, but WG and maybe even AB will notice. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Angela :-) said...

Hey, if it makes you feel better I found you a very cool purple coffee mug tonight. It's still sitting on the store shelf looking quite lovely, as I realized that it would likely break in transit if I shipped it. Darn.

Angela :-)

kisekileia said...

Her behaviour sounds to me a lot like a childhood version of narcissistic personality disorder.

Meg said...

I would day that Sissy is not emotionless but rather ruled by emotion. Otherwise she would not rage. Fear completely dominates her life. Hang tough, Integrity. She is hearing you but she can't get there yet. Hopefully some day they will find a right med combo to calm the fire in her brain and let her relax enough to let the light shine in. You are doing a good job. Just keep trying. Keep at it. She's in there somewhere.

marythemom said...

Residential treatment (and the right diagnoses and medications) calmed the rage that fueled our son's agression, but nothing has managed to break through his inability to trust and therefore attach to us. It is beyond hard to try to parent someone who doesn't want a parent and is pretty much incapable of giving back.

Why can't we just separate our emotions and treat them like we're their coach instead of continually feeling guilty that we can't manage to "fix them." Guess it's time to read Katharine Leslie again.

Hugs and prayers

Sammie said...

your exhaustion and pain comes through clearly in this recent post. First, big hug, its sucks that love does not change all the hard stuff, and it sucks even more that there is not a wonderful facility for her to go to, or rather any kind of facility. its been rough here too, snowed in with two acting out kids, and still the weekend to survive until they get back to school. Sorry its so hard,and that your girl is so damaged. Its just unfair to her to you, to everyone. Just know that I care and hear you.