On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, November 14, 2010

church folks don't want an education

i typed up an entire post and deleted it.
on purpose.

because what's the point? I can blog all I like about what happens in my life but it doesn't change anything, does it? People are still going to be ignoramuses. There are always going to be idiots that i'll have to explain my challenged children too that will still tell me that I'm wrong. Even when staring at the evidence.

And really? I want to deal with adult strangers that won't hear what I have to say when I have to deal with a child that is equally incorigible?

And I have to do this at church? the one day, nay the one HOUR a week I'm trying to feel BETTER about my circumstances?


I'm not a parent of challenged children so I can educate the world. I'm just trying to get through today without a crisis. As I do EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.WITHOUT.FAIL.

I most certainly do NOT want to explain to some guy I've never met before (we go to a huge church) that my children are impaired so he can tell me otherwise. Really? REALLY!?!

For crying out loud, I can't even go to church for one hour without having to always deal with the fact that people do not understand challenged children and the difficulties their parents endure trying to raise them. And the last thing I want to do is justify myself or my children to a stranger.

Here's what I WILL say (because my hubby says I say lots of amazing things and he needed me to write this one down): if you're going to be a sunday school teacher then you have to accept that you know NOTHING about what goes on in a child's life or in the lives of their parents. You have to take an objective stance when dealing with conflict, not a combative or confrontational one. You have to assume that every child will need something a little different in order to receive the bible message you are attempting to teach and you have to take a proactive approach when you hit road blocks with that child or their parent instead of a reactive one.

but there I go again, educating.

And expecting that people DESIRE to be educated.

point in fact, they do not.

From here forward, I absolutely, positively will NOT attend church without my spouse. I am attacked when I do. People don't pester us about our kids when he's there. He's 6 foot 7 inches. You don't argue with a man that tall. And you certainly don't mess with his kids or his wife.

It also begs the questions: do we just not go at all? do we find another church? Do we change when we attend? Do we bother to contact pastoral staff to help us find a solution?

i say, screw it. It's too much effort and no one cares anyway. unless their lives are intimately involved with impaired kids, they don't want the education about it. and that goes for church folks.

thanks to Marty for saying all of this in a much kinder way.


GB's Mom said...

Some church folk do care. A lot don't. Do what's best for you {{{Hugs}}}

Angela said...

You can't teach people who don't want to be taught. But please remember that there are people who do listen to you and would like to learn from you and your family with no judgements placed

Barb G said...

Yes, Integrity Singer. Look for another church. We struggled along for two years in a church filled with people who couldn't or wouldn't try to understand. We loved some of these people very much, but were so HUNGRY for support. Today, we are in another body, and the difference is HUGE!! These guys want to understand, read the links I give them, and support us by loving us. Sometimes it's just a hug, other times they tell me they are praying for our family. But they get that our family is different and struggling on the front lines. Keep looking. There are churches out there that are supportive. It may just take some time to find one. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to need support and not have it. :-(

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

Not to trivially throw scripture around, but Matthew 18:15 says to show your brother his faults. Granted this isn't the exact same context, but the principle applys. If challenged then, yes, you need to go to the pastoral staff. You CANNOT allow someone to take away your joy in worshiping and learning from God's word. Your children are entitiled (yes, I said entitled) to the same freedom to worship and learn. This is something I struggle with EVERY week! I have to be honest and forthright with people, especially SS teachers, Choir teachers, etc.

There is another child at church that suffers alot of the same behaviors and diagnoses that Bam Bam does, and he has been shunned very much. Thankfully through my real life education, I've been able to turn this into a positive situation. I TEACH those that are deemed "unteachable" or "unmanageable". I do it on purpose. So yes, there ARE church folks that care...and not just the ones who are educated. I'm drafting a blog post very similar to this as well, due to a situation we've come across with.

Hang in there girl! Don't give up! Don't allow others to steal what YOU desire.

FosterAbba said...

Sadly, I don't think your experience here is unique. We have had some of the same struggles. I hope you don't mind, but I wrote on this topic this morning, and linked to your post.

Miz Kizzle said...

Church should be a place for spiritual renewal, not a hotbed of anxiety and accusation. If the guy is someone who interacts with your kids on a regular basis you might want to take him aside and explain things so he knows what's what and (hopefully) won't keep bothering you.
No church is perfect. I've been associated with quite a few. I've had guys proposition me, been scolded for not drinking the communion wine (I'm on medication that makes consuming alcohol -- even a little bid -- potentially life threatening) and once a lady came up to me after the service to tell me I prayed "wrong" by failing to raise my arms in the air why praying or singing like many members of the congregation did.
So yes, II can understand your feeling dismayed and angry. Taking your hubby with you to ward off the inappropriate comments is a good idea but it's a shame that it has to come to that.