I'm still trying to process last week's therapy session in which I was asked how I am working through my grief. I am so annoyed with myself that i don't have an answer yet. I keep thinking, and reading and trying to sort it out but it seems the only emotion I can dredge up is anger. And that's a start, isn't it? I just don't really like the anger emotion because it doesn't feel productive to me and because there has been so much anger in my life, I really would like to have had enough of it already!
With only anger hanging around me, I have been attacking my usual activities and have realized that people, just ordinary, every day people can make me pretty mad. They have such a narrow focus that it should make me laugh, not want to hurl hard objects at their heads or cry at the insanity of it. Yet I find myself henpecking and nitpicking, rolling my eyes and in general, being easily annoyed with ridiculous things.
Our local christian radio station has a great morning show team which I listen to regularly. We've found that our family's mornings are much less chaotic, angry and short-tempered if tunes about God are infiltrating the atmosphere of our home. I make breakfast and lunches and we finish the previous night's homework listenting to this music and the morning show team. But the host of the morning show has gotten me in a dither.
Apparently, his sister got his 2 year old son a Little Tykes playset for Christmas. He has spent several mornings discussing the foibles of attempting to assemble the enormous plastic pieces that fail to bend to his will and fit according to the diagrams. At first it was amusing, as he laughed at himself and his ineptitude to follow the pictoral instructions and the minor scuffles it caused for him and his wife. But by day four, this playset still unassembled and his morning bit about it beginning to get old, he said the darndest thing that nearly made me drive off the road.
I was driving back from dropping the kids off at school, still listening to this ongoing drama when the sidekick of the morning show asked the host why he thought he was having so much trouble with this playset. The host said that he felt it was God's way of teaching him patience, that the past 7 days of efforts had definitely given him pause to consider his temper and how he could alter his attitude when doing things that challenge him.
OK. At face value, there is merit to what he's saying. I really like these guys, I've met them, actually had the opportunity to be on the morning show two months ago, I have no issue with them. But when you compare assembling a playset as a lesson in patience to the life trials of so many others, well, that just makes me want to puke. Seriously? God teaches him patience through a little tykes toy but he chooses to teach me patience through health problems, infertility, adoption of special needs children, bankruptcy, economic trials, RADs, RTCs ...
Either God is really cruel and unkind and hates me or the host of the radio station leads a very narrow, simple life. I literally shouted at the radio in the van, "I can give you an opportunity to learn patience! Come to my house for A DAY!!!! And then realize that the insanity and patience-demanding things you encounter in that ONE DAY is what I endure EVERYDAY!"
You see? Completely irrational anger. This shouldn't have been such a trigger for me. It's just a stupid radio show. It's just a silly little joke about the host's inability to assemble a toy. For me, it's one more reminder how much harder my life is when I chose to serve and love the same God as he did. It's just one more thing that tells me that there are simpler, easier, happier lives out there and I'm not living them. It's one more thing telling me that karma is bupkis. Choosing to do the right things, to live a life that honors God doesn't bring you the easy lessons in patience. How did the host of this radio show get so blessed to have a cool job, a wife, two beautiful biological children while my life has been one endless struggle of pain, sorrow and anguish? I don't know how he got that easy lesson in patience, I sure wish I knew his magic charms with the Creator because man, I wish God had taught me patience that way!
I will be glad when I get past this anger. It just doesn't move me forward and I hate getting mad about these things. I have a husband, I have children, I have a home, I have ... to still learn a lesson in patience.