My therapist agrees, PTSD. And then she asked, "how are you spending your grief engergy?"
I don't know. I absolutely can not figure out how I'm processing my grief.
I'm not overly angry or short tempered. I don't cry. I'm not depressed. I'm not losing sleep. I don't do drugs, I don't abuse alcohol. I don't do road-rage. I had those two minor panic attacks but I talked myself through them without incident. She asked if I'm overeating, I said, "hey, it's the holidays, of course!" and then I thought that it might be a possiblity so I told her to ask me again in a few weeks after the holiday food-love is over. She asked me about how it might be showing up in a few other areas but my answers were still either no or it might be possible but there are so many other facts it's hard to delinate if it's grief or just my nature. (because it goes without saying, I'm not the average Joe and my therapist and I have been over that too.)
So I'm back to square one, leaving therapy with a big question mark over my head. "How am I spending my grief energy?" because clearly, if I'm not grieving through all the nonsense with Sissy, then I'm not working toward healing. Clearly, helping myself means I have more of me to help Sissy. One begets the other but how do I process this emotion if I don't know how to?
Digging deeper... again.
Seriously, do other people spend this much energy on trying to be a better person?