I have spent much time in quiet reflection. I have read and reread my posts here and in my private journal. I recognize that for those readers that don't know me IRL, my journey since August reads as though I am bipolar, swinging from a very happy, blissful person to a suddenly sullen, sorrowful soul. Please trust me when I tell you, that isn't the case. I will sum it up as grief. Nevertheless, I have sorted, processed, thought and ultimately transformed my energy. I have come to the conclusion, whether I liked it or not, it has been for the best that I did not move last summer as I originally planned. For me, being here in this house and in Georgia one more year, was what I needed.
I have learned that I am a bold, amazing woman that is capable of incredible things. I have gained incredible confidence in myself. I have learned what I need and what I want and even enjoyed the astounding thought that the two might finally overlap. I have a clearer understanding of what is required for the children and I and how to get those needs met. I trust. I have faith, hope, healing, light and love. I have shaken off my fear and buried my demons. I have learned who I am, the REAL Jennie, the person I was before an abusive marriage, the person I was meant to be. And I like her!
And best of all, I have done it by myself.
Now. Have I LIKED doing it by myself? Uh.....no.
Has it made me angry that I've been by myself? Ayup.
Have I wanted to hurt things and people and the universe because of it? Mmmhmmm
But I did it anyway. I even kinda smile and laugh a little bit now.
Yeah. I still cry every day. Some times deep, shaking sobs. If you get a text from me around 7 pm, just know it's because I'm blowing up again. yep yep. Sun goes down, I fall apart. The loneliness. It's killing me. I am believing with insane, blind faith that what I want and what I need will overlap and I will finally be on the path I was intended for in life. As water takes the easiest path when pulled by gravity and across landscapes, I am believing my life will do the same. I'm believing like a mad woman that what I know to be true in my heart will be true in reality. I am in want of only time and the transformation of my energy.
The house is just about as good as I'm going to get it. I did a few more "honey do" list chores this weekend to finish the piddly repairs. There are big things this house needs but it is live-able. An investor's dream because flipping it should be easy. Or made ready for rent. Now to get someone to agree with me and make an offer...
Finding a job? Pbft. I got an email for a phone interview but it's in an area four hours north of where I want to be and in a different state. I was on a job board for another locale because a few months ago I thought my life was headed on a different path and I forgot to pull my resume down off that site. After texting some friends, I'm going to do the interview anyway. I promised myself I would knock on every door to see what would open to me.