On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Transformation

In physical science, we wrapped up the unit on energy.  It can not be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed. Do you know, that unit had some serious metaphorical overlaps for me!

I have spent much time in quiet reflection. I have read and reread my posts here and in my private journal.  I recognize that for those readers that don't know me IRL, my journey since August reads as though I am bipolar, swinging from a very happy, blissful person to a suddenly sullen, sorrowful soul.  Please trust me when I tell you, that isn't the case.  I will sum it up as grief.  Nevertheless, I have sorted, processed, thought and ultimately transformed my energy.  I have come to the conclusion, whether I liked it or not, it has been for the best that I did not move last summer as I originally planned.  For me, being here in this house and in Georgia one more year, was what I needed.  
I have learned that I am a bold, amazing woman that is capable of incredible things.  I have gained incredible confidence in myself. I have learned what I need and what I want and even enjoyed the astounding thought that the two might finally overlap.  I have a clearer understanding of what is required for the children and I and how to get those needs met.  I trust.  I have faith, hope, healing, light and love.  I have shaken off my fear and buried my demons.  I have learned who I am, the REAL Jennie, the person I was before an abusive marriage, the person I was meant to be.  And I like her!  

And best of all, I have done it by myself.  

Now.  Have I LIKED doing it by myself?  Uh.....no.
Has it made me angry that I've been by myself?  Ayup.
Have I wanted to hurt things and people and the universe because of it?  Mmmhmmm

But I did it anyway.  I even kinda smile and laugh a little bit now.  

Yeah. I still cry every day.  Some times deep, shaking sobs.  If you get a text from me around 7 pm, just know it's because I'm blowing up again.  yep yep.  Sun goes down, I fall apart.  The loneliness.  It's killing me.  I am believing with insane, blind faith that what I want and what I need will overlap and I will finally be on the path I was intended for in life. As water takes the easiest path when pulled by gravity and across landscapes, I am believing my life will do the same. I'm believing like a mad woman that what I know to be true in my heart will be true in reality.   I am in want of only time and the transformation of my energy.

The house is just about as good as I'm going to get it.  I did a few more "honey do" list chores this weekend to finish the piddly repairs.  There are big things this house needs but it is live-able.  An investor's dream because flipping it should be easy.  Or made ready for rent.  Now to get someone to agree with me and make an offer...

Finding a job?  Pbft.  I got an email for a phone interview but it's in an area four hours north of where I want to be and in a different state.  I was on a job board for another locale because a few months ago I thought my life was headed on a different path and I forgot to pull my resume down off that site.  After texting some friends, I'm going to do the interview anyway.  I promised myself I would knock on every door to see what would open to me. 

3 comments:

Elizabeth-Anne Kim said...

Love you. Hang on to your stories, but be aware of two things: (1) sometimes life brings an even better story along; and (2) there's a journey as we move from Someone Else's Story to Morning Glow, but we do make the journey. ((((HUGS))))

Elizabeth-Anne Kim said...

Oh, and (3) God starts His story when it looks like the story is completely over from Isaac's birth to Ruth's marriage to Boaz, from Jonah's time in the whale to Christ's resurrection. I take great comfort in knowing the end is seldom the end.

Jennie said...

Elizabeth - you have me in tears. Thank you. again.
(((hugs)) as you go toward YOUR morning glow.