The two days became six. On Friday, not coincidentally, I declared it as the day I went "dark", removing my light and energy from all, capitalizing on the Good Friday advent, accepting that my old life must die. I am in self-preservation and will stay in this state until I feel I am safe to give to others again. Today, Easter, I confess I did anticipate to have a resurrection experience if you will, a sort of epiphany or clearing of the dust and an answer or two. I wasn't surprised when none came. So I wait. And reflect. Here is where my thoughts traveled to today:
February 2009, a day or two before valentine's day, my ex confided that he had not been paying a credit card bill for six months. The van loan was with the same creditor. Without an immediate payment of $1280 and a remittance agreement for the remainder of the debt, my van would be repossessed. Thankfully, my parents were able to assist so I could keep my vehicle.
March 2009, I went to the senior pastor of my church in confidence to discuss how to proceed in my marriage after such a devastating financial betrayal. He recommended I make an exit plan to the marriage and directed me toward the pastoral counselor.
March 2009 - I began individual counseling in secret out of fear that my ex would be angry that I was getting self-help
May 2009 I confided to my ex that I was in counseling and that I was taking a trip to Seattle in July to see my sister
July 2009 - I went to Seattle. It was a three day trip. I spent much time in reflection, talking to my sister and her friends. We spent an evening on the beach - I remember thinking about how amazing life could be somewhere else and how difficult my life was back home. The morning of my flight home, I walked around Green Lake and wept the entire walk. The flight home was no different. I knew then I would have a long, hard road ahead of me toward recovery and happiness.
November 2009 - i began this blog and Sissy went to RTC for the first time
March 2010 - Sissy discharged and two or three days later WG was bit by a dog, requiring 27 stitches
Until March 2011 - sissy had several short term hospitalizations and many ER trips for suicidal ideation. I stayed in therapy. June 2011 AB almost ended up in short term care but we began an antipsychotic immediately and circumvented it
March 2011 - Sissy returned to RTC
April 2011 - I had a nervous breakdown with a string of panic attacks in a short time frame. Began medication and stayed in therapy. My ex began attending therapy with me.
June 2011 - Sissy discharged
Aug 2011 - Sissy returned to RTC
Oct 2011 - things escalated out of control in my marriage
Dec 2011 - I left my ex, Sissy discharged, two days later WG was bit by a second dog requiring another 18 stitches
Jan 2012 - I filed for a protective order and took possession of the marital home
Feb 2012 - TPO hearing, judge appointed a GAL and I filed for divorce
Mar 2013 - Divorce finalized
May 2013 - redid my bedroom and master bathroom
Aug 2013 - Therapy was concluded
Nov 2013 - Sissy had crisis stabilization - i began to realize that staying in GA, doing this by myself was too much, too hard, too overwhelming and I needed to change it. The crying began.
Mar 2014 - Journey to home state, PA to see what I could see, came home, fixed up house and put it on market and started job hunt
Apr 2014 - I still cry. Every day. I want so much which by comparison is so little.
It has been a very long five years. I am unequivocally NOT the same person I was then. The children are indelibly changed for the better. I am making strides daily to improve our station in life but it feels slow. I am always told that I am amazing, incredible, an inspiration, i should write this story, I have so much to give, people could never do what I do, they don't know HOW i do what I do, they can handle WG but Sissy and AB, not so much, they are praying for me, they cheer me on and tell me to hang in there and I can do this and GO GO GO.
But i don't want that.
In fact, it sounds like clanging cymbals in my ear.
noise noise noise noise
I have been crying out at the top of my lungs to any and all that will hear me - I'm done. Burning fumes. I need help. This is too much for me. I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm financially strapped, I have no benefits, I'm not getting younger, the children's needs aren't any easier and it's me. all.day.long.
From Sunday night last week until Tuesday night I had spent 48 hours without adult contact - talking to a psychiatrist and waving at the school secretary doesn't count. 48 hours!!!
I called my neighbor in tears and begged her to come over and hug me.
If it wasn't for texting my friends, I wouldn't talk to ANYONE that wasn't a child that needed me.
I have no social life. I don't get out. I go to bed alone, i wake up alone and it's me with the kids without ceasing. I have to be on my A game all the time with Sissy. AB ... he's not difficult but he is socially awkward and angry if you don't listen when he wants to speak and tell you everything he has to say. WG is stressed, angry and feeling uncared for. Me too. All of everything to keep this household and family running is on my shoulders without end.
I want so much for life to be different, better, hopeful, healed, whole, happy, fulfiling, vivacious. It feels so far away. Akin to the journey to Mount Everest. Reaching the summit can not be done without first camping on the side of the mountain, just one day's hike from the pinnacle, for a month. It takes that long for the lungs to acclimate to the low oxygen levels. If you journey without waiting, you will die.
Metaphorically, I am at that campsite on the side of the mountain, the summit in my sights, knowing I could reach it in one day's hike but also knowing if I force it, it will kill me. So here I sit, resting. Waiting. Chomping at the bit. Trying to enjoy the present. Itching to know what else I can do in the interim. Is moving the best choice for the kids and I? Today, my answer is a shoulder shrug and more tears. I know that in five years, I have traveled long and hard and it is time for the tide to turn in my favor.
My Easter Meditation/Prayer
"What if the highest expression of the personal Divine is you, precisely as you are in this very moment, in all your full authentic and wounded glory?" ~Tosha Silver
i will not fix anyone but me and what is needed for the kids. I need to see a miraculous turn of tide on my behalf. Today selfishness is OK.
I can not sell a house - without God
I can not move to a new life - without God
I can not find a job - without God
I can not get hope - without God
I can not trust - without God
I can not find healing - without God
I can not find peace - without God
I can not get resources for my kids - without God
I can not love unconditionally - without God
I can not wake daily - without God
I can not endure aloneness - without God
I can not persevere - without God
I can not find light bringers - without God
I can not restore my life - without God
I can not find a life partner - without God
I can not create goals - without God
I can not manifest dreams - without God
Almighty, I am empty of me. I have nothing left. In my weakness be strong. Do what is best - supply my needs, meet the wants that are good and pure, set my feet on the path you have for me, direct me to the best for the children. Help me be my best only for those I am intended to provide for. Cross my path with the people I am divined to meet. Restore in all ways, all that has been taken by the greed, anger, pain and anguish of mankind. Help me discern when I am making myself vulnerable again. I've made my plans, now direct my steps toward healing, hope, light and love. I accept that I do not know my best. I will myself to trust that you do. Be swift and may your decisions be clear for all so there is no one to give praise or thanks to but you. Then, should this story be light and hope for others, give me the ability to share it.