On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Even the Strongest Cry

I have tried desperately to stop the tears and the grieving.  I've made a concerted effort to employ all the therapeutic tools I have.  I text friends and family when I'm in a moment of ennui and need a hug or a word to boost me out.  I'm reading life affirming texts. I journal daily.  I recite powerful quotes and verses that are positive and supportive.  I refuse to claim despair and negativity.  I stay present, embracing the beauty and love around me, in the moment.

I can't shake it.  So I cry.

I'm so tired of this.  I'm stuck.  I want something different in life.  I want something different for my children. I NEED it for my health and sanity.  Sissy and AB need it for their health and wellness. I'm faltering, waning, I've lost my footing, I'm so lost.  I hear all the friends calling to me that I can do this, I'm strong, I will make it, it will happen, I will find happy again and it will be better than I imagined. So few of them are here, in my present locale.  So I cry.

Trouble is, every time I think I have hold of happy, hope, healing and help, it disappears just as quickly, and sometimes with painful, soul shattering jabs.  So I cry.

I tell myself that my happiness needs to be on my shoulders alone, that I must believe and see happiness to achieve it.  Walk in happiness in the here and now and it will be exactly what you are holding.  These are undeniable truths and I fully admit them.  Like right now, as I type this, my friend is playing beautiful songs on her piano.  If I isolate the pain, I am fully enjoying her talent.

That should be lovely, yes?  But I'm here at her house this weekend because my ex is in MY house for a weekend visit with the children.  One more completely unfair and immutable injustice in my life.  He doesn't have a dwelling place where the children can visit him overnight so he has to be in my house and I have to leave.  MY house.  MY home. MY things.  MY life.  Every other month.  And on the other months?  Well... he is supposed to take them to his mother's but he moved to a rented room in town so now those visits are just extended day visits.   (He also visits them i my home on weekdays) So I cry.

I could say - hey, every two months I get 48 hours kid free and if I move that won't happen anymore.   But...I'm so consumed with grief and anxiety that I can't wrap my head around the positive.  So I cry.

I want to dream of happiness but I can't.  Every time I try, I cry.  Because it never happens, my dreams.  They pretend to be mine and then *poof* gone.  

My email inbox is full of newsfeeds from the various job sites I've joined.  I need to spend quality time applying for the new jobs that I qualify for.  When I get home this afternoon I will begin packing like a mad woman because I've decided to list with a realtor instead of selling on my own.  The school year here is nearly over.  I have no employment for the summer.  I don't have enough money to carry me through the summer if I don't sell the house at the very least because I've spent so much making improvements on it to make it marketable (just this past week I had to put in a new hot water heater).  

I'm so freaking out.
And I'm so alone
And scared
And panicked that this is going to blow up
and I want to punch myself for not just being happy because so many have so much less


I can't go on like this anymore.
I just.... can't.
so i cry.

18 years ago, we had a similar planetary alignment as we have now.  We had a lunar eclipse two weeks ago and we have a solar eclipse tomorrow.  18 years ago I graduated from college in May, got married in June and moved to Georgia in August.  18 years later, the only thing I'm hanging onto from that huge life transition is my degree.  I have gained three children and a ton of life experience.  The timing isn't coincidental, I'm certain.  It's time for a change.  I'm certain.  It WILL change.  I'm certain.  Still...

I cry.

Even the Strongest
copyright laws apply - work is original of blog author

Ticking clock, tell the hour
Time is up for me.
Sun, rise, shine your power;
Day that I be free.

Birds, sing, in leafy trees
Scurry, ants! Work fast.
Wind, blow your strongest breeze,
Move my life at last.

Strong, says Earth, to my soul,
Burdens are no match.
Love, Life says, you are whole,
Let your healing hatch.

Elements, I am weak,
Happy day runs far.
Joy and Hope do not speak
Fear and Sorrow spar.

Tears, a well, salty pain,
Flow, rapid river.
When I look back again
The heart, it shivers.

Even the strongest cry
It is not weakness.
No need for reason why,
Most do cry for less.

I have asked Source, "why?  Why did you bring my life happiness and trick me like that ?  Let me see happy to be beaten down with that much more pain?

Then I say to myself ' Why have you not loved yourself enough to see the faults and the illnesses before it is too late?  Why do you want to fix everyone and never yourself?  Why do you give so much away?"

And Source says, "exactly.  That is why.  So, you are strong.  I showed you what to fix.  Now fix it."

I am not the poor victim of a thief, I am an adventurer in search of treasure. 
~Paulo Coelho, "The Alchmemist"


Carlee said...

I'm praying for you. I too cry all the damn time when my emotional resources are spent, even after whatever issue caused the depletion has been resolved. The adrenaline that gets me through the crisis (to run on fumes, feel no pain and not get sick) stops dead. And I've a tendency to crash, big time. Fumes aren't enough to rebuild emotional reserves on. (It took me almost twenty years and a lovely, week-long in-patient stay in college to figure this out).

Is there a Jill's House (provides respite to medically complex kids and their siblings) in your area? It really, really sounds like you are in desperate, literally desperate, need of a three four days, maybe a week, of quiet to breathe, catch up on sleep and have a tiny bit of time to contemplate your options going forward in a slightly calmer frame of mind.

(My mantra is life is unfair and the best you can hope for is that it'll somewhat make it up to you by being unfair in your favor.

I'm praying for you.

If there's no respite and you can't stop crying and can't get a break from friends/family... consider calling 911 and telling them you're scared for yourself. It's way better to be proactive about it, please trust ms on this one.

I'm praying for you.

Last but not maybe least, stop letting the ex into your home, your place of refuge. No court can compel you to let him have visits in your house. Ex is responsible for finding someplace else to have visits. Period. Not. Your. Problem.

(Ugh, such a violation to have ex in your home).

Hang in there, I'm praying for you.

Jennie Skrobisz said...

it is in the divorce decree. i have to let him in. i have to let him stay at the house.

no Jill's house here. respite. no anything. that is why I have to relocate. No resources here.

i'm not suicidal and I have no insurance to pay for hospitalization anyway. I take my meds daily. I don't cry ALL day, i'm just not exceedingly joyful either.

but thank you. for your concern. for your prayers. my life has to change

schnitzelbank said...

I feel the change brewing. I sense that the dawn is beginning. Can I at least come by with my bad cold and sneeze on the light switch near husband's bed?
I'm sorry you can't get coverage. Hopefully with an awesome new teaching job will come benefits. Are you certified in your state (or your wishful-state)? K12.com is an easy way to pick up experience and some extra $$$. Or any online school, really. I imagine your life exp with your kids is going to make you very desirable.
I am also a teacher. In WA.
Keep reaching, you got this. Frauen sind stark.

Jennie Skrobisz said...

that would be fun if you sneeze done a light switch but he sleeps on the sofa. I don't have a spare room for him and I sure as hell ain't let him sleep in my bed. I lock my room. I am NOT certified because I have taught privately all of this time. I really feel like I'm reaching for the moon. just took a walk re sighting over and over wants to come come let what wants to go go if it is mine it will stay if not something better will replace it. now I go home to my house and my children and clean up the mess after my ex.