On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Manifest Destiny

AB's OT is awesome. Have I mentioned that before? She comes to the house and does all kinds of great stuff with him, but predominantly social stories. This past week she had a spot of wisdom for me. Once kids hit the double digits between 11 and 15, subtract ten years and that's how old they act

See, that's why Sissy is acting 2. She's 12. Finally she's "normal". LOL

My readership numbers are steadily declining. My life is suddenly uninteresting. Such is the price to pay for a life that isn't filled with daily chaos. Of course, chaos is relative. I still had to call the crisis team yesterday for Sissy because she was melting down, so irritable, so whiny, so...TWO. She got over it and her therapist came to the rescue and whisked her away for a few hours.

When she returned we went to the indoor pool at the Y, having not been in several months because it was being renovated. I forgot how much I love the water. I was certain an hour and a half in the pool would be prefect to calm everyone's frayed nerves but, alas it wasn't to be. By the time we returned home, all three of the kiddos were crying-screaming-melting down on me again. My error? I let them get too hungry.

Food and VOILA! All was well again. Heck, I even got them to do chores yesterday for allowance money, a first that I hope to replicate weekly. The issue has always been finding the extra cash to throw their way for doing things they should already be expected to do. I'm acutely aware that other children at these ages; 12, 11 and 7, are doing household chores regularly with or without monetary incentive. i know that's where I've been remiss as a mom but honestly, my energy has been so singularly devoted to therapeutically parenting them that the mundane things of childhood have fallen to the wayside. It's nice to be redirecting our family course to something resembling normal.

Their respite provider who has become my friend in no time at all stopped by later during the bedtime hour just to "hang out" but by golly, I'm awfully glad she did. Without a word, she stepped in and managed the bedtime routines with Sissy for me. None too soon, I was about to go lulu on her. Around seven, just before Sissy takes her bedtime meds her brain just stops. Some days I have the patience for it and other days I just can't deal. Last night was one of those nights. So glad to have a rescuer! I can't seem to convince her to move in...

Throw in the immediate return to the classroom directly after returning from Orlando, I'm swamped. And gloomy. Going to the annual ETAAM event in Orlando is so perfect but the unconditional love I receive from all of those amazing moms makes my heart ache when it disappears.

So many mixed emotions. I'm glad things in life have settled down, it's still astonishing to me. But I was so used to being on high alert that it's still an adjustment to this less frazzled pace. I'm glad to have a job and I'm enjoying my students but I miss the quiet afternoons alone. I'm eternally grateful for the ETAAM moms because they keep me grounded but I miss them desperately. Thursday I got sick and had to leave school early. I was feeling like I did last August, stress-induced illness. It hit me so fast. When I got home I flopped in the bed and didn't do anything until the next morning. So many changes so fast - even though they're good changes, it still causes stress.

The light at the end of the tunnel gets closer every day. I just have to keep walking, one foot in front of the other. And somehow, some way, get myself plugged into that unconditional love that I get from my ETAAM sisters, every day.

How does one do this, live this journey of pain and survive? I'm living it and yet I don't have an answer to the question. I just know it's possible because I believe it to be so, a manifest destiny.

Off to the barn for AB's riding therapy then. Have a blessed Sunday!


Miz Kizzle said...

I hope you keep blogging. You have wonderful insight and a great sense off humor, two things that are extremely useful in this crazy world.
BTW, do you make quilts in traditional patterns and colors larrge enough to fit a queen-size bed?

Integrity Singer said...

Miz Kizzle - yes I do. you can email direct via the hyperlink in the left sidebar of the profile page. Let's see if we can map out what you're looking for!

Jenn said...

I'm certainly still reading! I'm relieved to hear that things have been settling down for you, and I love hearing about your successes!

Barb G said...

Like Jenn, I'm glad things have calmed down and life is looking up for you. I love you and hope things continue to improve, my friend. And I miss you too. I miss your smile, your heart and your infectious laughter. (((hug)))

Ranger said...

LOL I keep checking the blog and thinking - yeah! This has to still be going good!

Although I agree I really hope you keep blogging about anything at all really, you have the writing gift. (And the quilting gift!)

Ranger said...

LOL I keep checking the blog and thinking - yeah! This has to still be going good!

Although I agree I really hope you keep blogging about anything at all really, you have the writing gift. (And the quilting gift!)