On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The wall

I anticipated to hit "the wall" on Thursday.  But thursday came and went and no wall. 

The wall showed up on Friday instead.

I got WG and AB to school despite being insanely dizzy and I went back to bed. 4 hours later the dog was whining to go out and therefore was the ONLY reason I rolled myself out of bed. The fact that I could smell myself became the ONLY reason I managed to waddle myself to the shower. The fact that my belly growled was the ONLY reason I managed to eat. An email from an Orlando mom made me cry. (thanks a lot!)

I'm exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I'm done. Sissy called Thursday night [1] and I refused to talk to her. I don't want to think about her but the nurse at the hospital called needing verbal permission to change one of her meds. I don't want to think about her but then her therapist called Friday morning to see how she was doing. I don't want to think about her but then I dreamed about her the whole four hour nap. I don't want to think about her but her room needs to be weeded through because wow, she has a lot of crap in there. (i'm not kidding, she'll be a hoarder in her adult life. mark my words.) I don't want to think about her but I've just typed an entire paragraph about her.


I can't believe how immediately the four of us have returned to "normal". I can't believe how immediately our home is peaceful. I can't believe how much friggin' time we have!!! I was bored Thursday night, actually said the words, "I'm bored" and then laughed at the irony. Bored as opposed to being blitzed out of my mind because of one more rage fest a la Sissy. Seriously. Bored. *shakes head at self*

I miss all the beautiful women I was with this weekend. Why don't all of you live HERE??! *I'm flipping you all the bird because I'm mad at you for not living next door*

I didn't plan it but I had a session with my therapist at 2 on Friday. That was fortuitous. Actually, it makes me proud of myself for internally and subconsciously knowing what I need and getting that need met for myself. It is impossible to relate how often I put myself last and usually forget about myself altogether. I takes taking a long, hard look in the mirror to jar me back to reality. (Thank God only Herman Munster breaks mirrors when he looks in them because I've probably come close to that a few times.)

AB is not ok. I'm not pressing him, I'm just going to wait out the tide. Either he'll process his own grief about Sissy or he'll need my help. If I dive in now, I'll make it worse. I think he's conflicted about her hospitalization. He verbally says that he just wants her to get better but there's no way he isn't cognizant of the immediate decrease in sensory issues for himself and somewhere in that head of his, he's drawing the connections ... and is probably mad about it.

WG is giddy. She doesn't want Sissy to ever come back. Except that thursday night she lamented that now she doesn't have someone to play with. Not that Sissy was a whole lot of fun but it was the fact that WG had another female buddy. we've put one of her lovies in the van, a permanent car buddy for her, as a concession.

I'm somewhere in between the two of them. The Dad hasn't voiced his status yet.

The wall hurts.

Next will be the panic attacks. They came last time Sissy was at RTC and never went away. I'm not looking forward to that. I think I'd rather sit at the base of the wall seeing stars and birdies for a while than progress onward to the panic attacks.

Oh what these ill children do to their families. Words will never express it.

[1] ugh about that phone call. sissy hates the phone. rages about the phone. last time at RTC it would be pulling teeth to get her to talk on the phone. So she called us?!?!? And then lied to the staff (dad was listening and she didn't know it) and I had bells and alarms and whistles and an immediate increase in my pulse. She's trying to play a game and I'm not playing anymore.


Jennifer said...

Sending virtual hugs and healing energy your way.

Saying "hang in there" seems so lame...but, hang in there...

Sarah said...

You are amazing. Take care of yourself. Nap if you need it. I also wish you lived next door!

Anonymous said...

What did she lie to the staff about? Ugh

Kristine said...

I can only imagine the mixed feelings you must be having. I know so little about RTC and am so afraid it is going to be in our future some day.

Story of our Life said...


I'm so sorry. I wish we could tell each other 'we don't get it'.

I can't.
I wish I could say you will feel better tmw.
I can't.

I can tel you....I know that YOU will be okay. Heck, I'm still hear. It's a long road. It's a muddy messy road. You get it. I get it. It sux donkey balls.


Love Ya!!

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

All I can say is that I love you, I'm praying for you, and I'd give anything to give you a hug right now.

Becky said...

Dear Integrity,

I've not commented previously, but wanted to explain all of the "MN hits" your blog has received within the last couple of days. You see, I read it all. From the beginning. Every post.

As I've never dealt with your issues, there is nothing at all I can offer you aside from my admiration and my prayers. I've always guessed that with children that love isn't always enough and now I know for sure. It is incredibly sad. Integrity, you are enormously courageous, and a loving mother. You are all a mother should be.

I have no idea how I found Corey, but that is how I found you and your story. Next year, when Corey has her "Help a RAD mom come to Orlando" campaign, I want to help. Thank you for your inspiration.


Sincerely Mama said...

Also sending hugs. Give yourself a break, J. You deserve it, and you need it.