On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Stealing Every Drop from Everyone

AB bounced back to baseline with a snap of the fingers, or in his case, swing,snap, flap, hop, skip, table bump. Or something along those lines. He had wanted a mohawk for some time so he grew out his hair and Sunday night I cut it for him and by Monday morning he was angry and practically in tears fretting about it and wanting it buzzed off. I asked him to give it a day. By Monday night I was buying a trial size spiking glue. He refused to let me take a picture of it spiked up but my son looks cool and is happy once again. Good golly if this cycling isn't completely different than Sissy's! I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep up with it. Maybe I just won't; maybe I'll take a "let it be" kind of approach.

WG passed the first half of the testing for the accelerated learning program but not the second half so they'll test again. She's got big things coming up. This Sunday is the cantate musical at church that she's been rehearsing for what seems like a decade. In April she'll be the dinosaur for the school play and in May she has a dance recital. She kept a secret for a week about that one. A few weeks back her dance teacher told me that if she kept working hard she'd get moved to the front line for ballet. Currently she's front and center for tap. I told WG to work hard. That was the last we'd heard about it until this Saturday morning, as we're going out the door for dance, WG just nonchalantly throws out, "oh yeah, mom. I'm on the front row for ballet too."

"What? Really?" She chuckled a little and waved her hand like it was no big deal. "When did you find out?" I begged.

Still cool as a cucumber, "oh, last week. I just didn't tell you."

The business is running hard right now, our busiest time of year as most of our clients are preparing to rent homes for a certain extremely important and prestigious golf tournament. It's kind of funny to watch rich people come all undone and get all flustered and fidgety. Toss in the green rain, AKA: pine pollen, and it's just gross out there. I mean GROSS. I'm hoping The Dad doesn't get the notion to start taking pictures anytime soon because I'm standing on ladders with a face mask so I can breathe. Stupid pollen. I'm miserable!

Thinks are looking up, actually.

I don't miss the point that things look up when Sissy's not here.

It makes me so angry that her issues cause that much drama and chaos that 300 posts and I talk about the other four people in this family maybe 10% of the time. It makes me sad that she has to manipulate that much, so much so that she makes our family completely dysfunctional. It makes my heart ache when I realize how much pain, trauma and anxiety she's made us all endure. It causes my head to spin when I realize that she's not showing behaviors at the hospital and will get herself a green card to come home and ... do it all again. Which makes me angry all over again.

I can't go back to hell. I just can't. At what point does the good of the four out weigh the marginally better for the one? And truthfully, there is no "better" for Sissy. She doesn't want it. Isn't seeking it. Can not even try to motivate herself to be better. It's too much damn fun for her to make us all miserable. I won't have it anymore.

It's so different this time, with her being gone. Last time my emotions were so tied into whether or not I'd been an adequate parent, done enough, tried different tactics, used the right therapies, gone to the right doctors and therapists, juggled the right med cocktail. This time I KNOW I've done it all. All of it. There is no stone I've not turned over looking for a solution for healing for Sissy. This time it is glaringly obvious that I'm adequately parenting another disabled child and a very bright, vivacious child - two children with diametrically opposed needs - with flair. We had one upset last week and 25 minutes of tantrum from both of them while The Dad and I held our ground (and giggled a little at their silly pleas for absolution) and we bought a week of good behavior, hugs, love, politeness and unrequested assistance. That wouldn't be possible if we were bad parents.

No, it's not The Dad or me or the business or AB's issues or WG's mad-skills. It's Sissy. She'll either choose to change, or not. I actually have a lot to say on this issue but I'll save it for another post. Today, it's about the four of us: healing, resting, enjoying peace and quiet, playing, giggling, hugging, loving, and discovering that we have gobs and gobs and oh.my.goodness. insane amounts of time and energy because Sissy's not stealing every drop from everyone.


Bren said...

Since Sweetheart went back to work, C is in a BAD cycle. I notice too, how the other children get lost in the "trauma drama". For the first time in years, C was successful in triangulate me and my extended family...it was HORRIBLE. I have found empty Pepto Bismol any Mylanta bottles...the Zicam is gone as are the tums. She is eating medications now...I have had to get a cupboard and paddlock!! She says she ate them a little at a time...not over dosing, but HEAVENS...at almost 14 years old??? She had never done anything like this before. She has upped her game. Her stealing and lying have tripled in intensity and she is failing school ON PURPOSE. Now my back up is gone 14-15 hours a day and here I sit...remember she is homeschooled so I am at her mercy 24/7.
It is so refreshing to read of your respite and healing and how you and the family are HAPPY!!!!

Barb G said...

(((hugs))) I'm glad you are healing, resting and enjoying life. You HAVE done everything you can, and frankly, battled longer and harder than most are willing to do. If Sissy won't let you into her heart, do your best to protect all of yours. Whatever it takes. Continuing to pray for you all. (((hugs)))

GB's Mom said...

Soak up this Sissyless time and let it sink into every pore {{{Hugs}}}

Cyndi said...

I know exactly what you are talking about here! Hanna is so exhausting that when we finally do get a break it tales a while before it sinks in that it is actually happening We celebrate every minute of calm that we can get a hold of.

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

Sorry about the green rain; it'll get better soon. I'm glad everyone seems to be doing so much better! :)

kisekileia said...

I'm AS and not bipolar, and I have repeatedly (especially as a child) had post-haircut freakouts exactly like AB's. I think it might be an Aspie dislike of change thing, rather than a bipolar thing.

I'm happy for you that you're feeling so much better without Sissy around.

Integrity Singer said...

@ kisekileia - he had been depressed for some time before the haircut - legitimate depression following a legitimate manic - plus he really ahs been diagnosed with mood disorder.

but yes, the anxiety about the haircut - SO true!

Johanna said...

So glad to hear your Sissy-free time is going well - you sound better. Enjoy your time. I'll be praying for you all.

kisekileia said...

Sorry, Integrity--I didn't mean to imply that AB wasn't really bipolar or anything like that. Just that the haircut freakout specifically might be AS-based.

Integrity Singer said...

@ kisekileia - no apologies necessary! It just worried me to see such a very clear cycle (and such a deep depression dip) for him. it's not like we didn't know it was coming, it just caught me off guard. and it sucks for him too.

Reighnie said...

Just getting caught up with your blog... I'm almost in tears because from "I don't miss the point..." all the way to the end of the post.... I so know what you mean. I feel like I can't do it again. I can't put the rest of the kids through her crap and I can't endanger my family again. I've done ALL that I can. I had 5 RAD kids and 4 of them are thriving and they were in the same place she is so I can't have done anything wrong... I so know what you mean. I haven't posted on my blog because I am so tired of everything being about CDQ. But she's so ingrained in everything that happens it's hard not to. I find myself posting about my other kids and then having to explain why every single little thing is a big deal because we were all held captive in our home by this one child.

I'm glad things have gotten better for you guys.