On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

So very different.

I had no idea that the post "Layers of Loss" would be so huge. And by huge I mean colossal. My inbox has been jammed with positive affirmations. Some readers are blessing me with packages just because. The article has been picked up by ATTACh.org and has been recommended to a few other parenting trauma agencies.

In short, I'm overwhelmed.

When I wrote that post I wasn't thinking I know, I'll write something poignant that will get straight to the heart of my readers and generate a limelight that I can bask in but that is exactly what I've done. It's as though I've extended the bliss of Orlando for an extra week.

I just can't hug you all.
*attempts to hug the laptop*
Nope. Not the same.

The irony of all this attention and praise is that because parenting trauma is so challenging and in-your-face everyday, it is incredibly difficult to receive compliments. There are a few nuggets I've picked up from all the years of attending therapy sessions with Sissy. One of which is that it takes six positives to undo one negative.

Well, I've had ten years of incessant negative from Sissy. Doing some math with that therapeutic postulate, it will take sixty years to undo the damage to my psyche. And when I put it that way, it helps me absolve myself of guilt. Yes. I feel guilty that I can't absorb these accolades.

Really. I can't.

It's like people are trying to throw waded up, water-soaked napkins at me while I dance on a table... they won't stick. They just bounce off. I guess I can consider it one more layer of loss then: the inability to accept that I'm a cool person, despite what my child does or says.

Sissy figuratively shouts in a bullhorn all day you suck! you suck! you suck!
I guess I simultaneously need a cheering section on the other side shouting back through bullhorns you rock! you rock! you rock!. And then if ya'll could just go ahead and do that all day, every day like she does, I might begin to believe that I rock, not suck.

Sunday, I filled in for Sissy at her cookie booth. Her girl scout troop had snagged the last day for cookie sales at one of the busiest grocery stores in our community. Fortuitously, I stuck the I am not alone rock in my pocket. Good choice. The other moms and daughters were so cheery and plucky and ... blech. nauseating.

*enter vomit sounds here*

I just kept rubbing my rock in my pocket so I could feel the engraving on my thumb. Inconspicuously of course. I accept that I'd look a bit like Gollum from LOTR, obsessing over the ring if I'd held the rock up under my nose and rubbed and rubbed while chanting in a gravely moan, my precious even though that's exactly what it felt like I was doing. I took big cleansing breaths and smiled. Even said, "how nice" a few times. Two hours with NT moms and their NT kids. Oye.

After so many layers of loss, life and humanity looks indelibly different.

So very different.

17 comments:

ManyBlessings said...

You rock! Seriously, I have read here but never commented. You have helped me through some seriously trying times. Thank-you! And oh, by the way? YOU ROCK! :)

Ashley said...

No accolades here. Just love.

Lucy said...

You really do ROCK!!! You Really Do ROCK!!! YOU REALLY DO ROCK!!!

XOXO

Heather said...

You rock, you rock, you rock! Wish you could hear me from 1/2way across the country. Wish you were closer so I could hug you and tell you in person!

jen said...

everyone beat me to it but I'll do it anyway- YOU ROCK YOU ROCK YOU ROCK (;

Also, have you ever seen the youtube videos from Christine Moers? I feel led to share so here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/user/christinemoers#p/u/22/CKFnmQ2DpB4

Momma Too Many said...

You, my friend, rock it hard core!!! You rock, you rock, you rock! Don't let Sissy steal your joy, you deserve all the joy and love you can get! Heaping love and joy on you right *NOW*!

sweethoneydoo said...

you do realize i have had that package together since like November and just boxed it up in January. so :P

cinch said...

You know I love ya....tell you that every week I see ya at lessons. I was very thankful for the call from WG and you today. It was just a great thing after a long day at work!

Just to keep the theme going because it is absolutely true....YOU ROCK!!!!!

Mama Drama Times Two said...

You said "sixty years to undo the damage to my psyche". Hmmmm. But if you have 68 moms tellin you THE TRUTH about your amazing, incredible self...just think how much sooner we'll be undoing that damage! Miss you.

Integrity Singer said...

@ mama - i miss you too.

i ammended my math on FB - 60 moms telling me over and over every day for one year should do the trick

so get to it!

Lisa said...

Yes girl - YOU DO ROCK!!!! Sending blessings and hugs from my RADical home to yours!

The Other Mother said...

Let me be the next in line to tell you "YOU ROCK!"

Barb G said...

(((((hugs)))))

Becky said...

Can I say that even as a NT mom I think you ROCK as well? You do. Absolutely you do.

Yes, I did read it all last week. And I will keep on reading but will seldom comment. It doesn't seem right as I have no first hand experience in anything RAD.

BUT please know that because of you I intend to help/sponsor someone who needs the trip to Orlando next year. At that time I will be contacting Corey.

Oh, one more thing? YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

marythemom said...

YOU ROCK, my precious!

You are not alone and I'm so glad you're here to remind me that I am not alone either.

Mary in TX

Ranger said...

60? Count me in, I'll tell you any time you rock, you rock, you rock! {{{IS}}}

robyncalgary said...

You rock the casbah!!!