On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Seeking Serenity

I'm actively attempting to decompress. Today is day X since Sissy went to the hospital. I say Day "X" because I don't want to take the effort to count it. I don't want to make the effort to count it because then I'll be thinking about Sissy. I don't want to think about Sissy because I'm desperately trying to decompress.

The thing is, she's just going to come home and go right back to her crap so instead of thinking about how she's going to come home and go right back to her crap, I'm thinking about other things, on purpose. Every time Sissy comes to my brain, I forcibly change the thought in my head. I have to. I must decompress or I won't survive her return.

The best way to explain it is we've been in a tempest with 30 foot waves crashing on us for years on end. Even the last time she was RTC wasn't a respite because we had non stop phone calls and face-to-face therapy which meant 6 hour round trips in a day ... no respite. In addition, we hadn't gotten to the place emotionally where we could say, she's going to do what she's going to do and we are not responsible for her choices anymore.

Can I just say, it was very hard to get to that emotional point? It was extremely difficult to put aside the fact that she's an adorable, short, chubby 11 year old and get to the heart of her issues. She's not well, will never be well, can not understand the dynamics of a home environment and will be on a crash course for destruction in this environment no matter what we say or do.

It's freeing to be on this side of the fence. However, it is impossible to prevent the 30 foot waves of her tempest from crashing down on us when she's here. So that means I have to make every effort to float on a placid lake every second she is away. I have to close my eyes and concentrate on the smell of the air and the way it sounds as it whistles past my ears. I have to breathe slowly and deeply and take in the green earth around me. I have to train my thoughts on the sounds of birds and bugs, slowing time to a stand still so I can reach out and touch every particle of serenity. I must be a sloth, hanging from a tree for hours on end without moving a muscle and just be without excuse, without purpose, without plan.

I pulled back from the virtual world so I could capture the essence of calm, peace and serenity and attempt to retrain my cells to function without 24/7 high alert adrenaline surges. My cells have screamed for it, given me headaches beseeching the intense psychological impulses of emergency. I have denied them and gone to bed early or taken naps or quilted. Oh, how I have quilted! Just look and see ...

Coasters - prize for my 100th follower: Mommy needs therapy!

Getting started on the March Panel

 Making progress

 the two blocks
12" finished nine-patch square: jacob's ladder with opposing directionality

alternating the rows of blocks after assembly creates a basket weave pattern
design is original

Here's a face we've not seen much of lately.  Before I left for Orlando, AB was in a manic phase.  Now he seems to be in a depressive phase.  We've done the lab work for his hormones and see the pdoc again next Thursday.  I'm hoping we can make some alterations to his meds and get to the bottom of this early-onset puberty because boy oh boy do I miss this face.  I think I prefer manic over depressive.  NOT fun.


Anonymous said...

Your quilting is really impressive. I think you rock and you should continue to do what's best for you right now.

GB's Mom said...

Gorgeous design! Know you are loved.

Sarah said...

Actively changing the channel in my brain-- that has been my mission this week as well. *hugs* and hoping you find some peace.

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Your coasters are well loved here! Miss you. A stack of mags is on the way...My favorite therapy: a cup of tea and a quilt mag, Best enjoyed in peace and quiet!

kisekileia said...

You're monitoring AB's height with respect to his early puberty, right? I just ask because being short is a huge social impediment for men, and an AS kid doesn't need that. You should do what you can to make sure his growth plates don't close before he reaches a normal adult height.

Ranger said...

What gorgeous colours, the blend of gold and the two green shades are stunning.

Integrity Singer said...

@ kisekileia - you're awesome. Yes, he's definitely growing faster than typical - he's taller than Sissy now. Ordinarily I'd be concerned like you about his eventual height but his bio family runs on the short side anyway. In addition, his genetic syndrome will play a part in how tall he is. That said, he's destined to be a short man but yes, I'll make sure we monitor it because I agree, if he didn't get past 5 foot, it would be tough for his ego.

kisekileia said...

Yeah, it's definitely in his best interests socially if he gets to at least 5'6" or so. The studies show that there are HUGE differences in how desirable women rate a man as being and even in how much money the man makes based on his height. I just worry because I'm 5'0" due (probably) to a combination of picky eating (caused by AS) and early puberty, and I find that a social impediment--and being short is a lot worse for men than for women. I wish, in hindsight, that my puberty had been medically delayed with the same hormonal methods that are used for transgendered kids--trans kids often have puberty delayed hormonally to buy them a few more years to decide whether they want to transition at puberty, and to let trans boys grow to a normal male height. It might be something to research for AB.

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

I gotta know...how can I get some of these awesome pieces? Coasters? Quilts? I love your work!

Reighnie said...

My 11 year old is in RTC for the first time. There truly is no respite even though she is gone. She calls all the time. I can't even hear the phone ring without my stomach falling.

I feel nearly the same way about my kid, she's a kid on the outside, but there's something wrong inside and she's just not going to change because she doesn't want to. I'm terrified they will send her home still unwell and things will be the way they were again which was miserable.

Because of that I too struggle with pushing the what if out of my mind and focusing on the here and now. It is so hard.