Currently discussions about respite are on hold with the exception of the Orlando weekend but gosh, it's going to be HELL when I come home...
Anyway, so she had a decent weekend and we're all wickety wacky loo loo because she spun her little head off like Beetle Juice for two straight weeks and I really should have hauled her butt to the psych ward last Tuesday and then like a switch, suddenly she's all fine. So the rest of us are like "wait, WTF?" and "ok... so she's being nice for THIS ten minutes but what about ten minutes after that?" And that's how the rest of us spent the weekend as we watched Sissy be all normal and such. (Well... normal for Sissy, which isn't actually "normal" for an 11 year old but whatevs, we're over that expectation.)
Sunday night rolled around. Shit. Sunday nights. because what she's really thinking is "OMG I HAVE ANOTHER WEEK OF SCHOOL!!!" but what she does is "OMG MY FAMILY SUCKS RANCID OSTRICH EGGS!!!" and all we said is "Sissy, go take your shower and get ready for bed."
crap crap crap scream scream scream
REALLY tired of this, just sayin'.
Somehow she got into the shower, the water was turned on and she emerged wet in a very short amount of time and not necessarily smelling cleaner. Mommy radar went off she didn't bathe and I said to myself say NOTHING or you will DIE!!! so The Dad bathed AB and WG showered herself and while WG was in the shower Sissy was sitting all high and mighty on the recliner, her dripping wet hair ruining the brushed suede sofa (you know how they do when the RADishes think they've gotten away with something) and I pretended I was fussing over the laundry. "Sissy, I was just wondering," i ventured cautiously, not making eye contact and talking very nonchalantly. "What is it about shampoo and soap and bathing and wiping and washing hands and all of that hygiene stuff that bugs you so much?"
I feigned surprise. "What's wrong? why are you hollering? I was just wondering is all. Just curious. Because I don't understand and I just want to understand."
"I DID SHOWER!!!"
And I was like GOTCHA YOU LITTLE TERD! but I didn't flinch. "I'm not saying anything about your shower. I am just wondering why bathing and shampooing and all of that is such a big deal."
She was reading a book and so she stuck her nose back in it to say EFF you mom, I'm not listening. So I took her cue and sat next to her, taking the book out of her hands very calmly and quietly, making sure she could see that I marked her place. "Hey. HI. Can you look at me for a second?"
"Just trying to understand, kiddo. Can't help you if I don't know what you need. Can you tell me what it is about soap and touching your body and all that that makes you so mad and not want to do it?"
I waved my hands in front of her blankly staring face. "Hi. Over here. Can I have your eyes for a second?"
I got her eyes and said, "So... what's the deal?"
"Everything. Soap. Bodies. Shampoo. It's gross. It makes me want to puke!" this last part she spat out at me angrily.
"Oh. Ok. That's good. Glad you told me. I'm not sure how to help with that but I'm glad you told me. Can we tell your therapists? They might have some ideas."
*grunting" "YES!" she growled to her lap.
"Ok. Great. Here's your book. You can finish bedtime routines when WG comes out of the shower, ok?"
I'm glad she told me but gosh. How DO you help that? Soap is disgusting?!? Her body is disgusting?!? How about dirt, germs, grime, poo and pee...
Sometimes mental illness makes me really confused. I know it's the sexual molestation from early childhood, that this weird psychoses about hygiene is classic for sexual abuse but really, I'm stuck. I've got no clues. Lord, help me. She'll get a period any day. I'm gonna have to put her in Depends and follow her to the toilet, maybe even don a bathing suit and get in the shower with her. God, it's nutso.
And that's all I got about THAT.
And... she had three good days minus the whole I-told-you-i-bathed-but-i-really-didn't thing and this morning she was an angry hornet for no good reason. Plus, after a month hiatus, all the sleep walking, sleep talking, difficulty falling asleep and night-time wakefulness has returned despite the PRN meds. ugh. I pick her up in forty minutes and I'm just waiting for the hell, cause it's gonna be BAD tonight.
Rehearsing it already in my head:
911 state your emergency.
My 11 year old needs a transport to the hospital for psych eval...
Is that her screaming I hear?