I only like you a little

Here's my initial impression, when I can stand outside of her responses and not take them personally.

For once, Sissy is being honest about how she feels, which, albeit cruel and nasty to the family that loves her, is progress.

Last night The Dad got it on video as proof. Sissy said that she does not care about us as long as she gets what she wants. This is something she's been saying for a few weeks now but finally, we can prove it to the "powers that be".

Tonight she wanted hugs goodnight. Like a robot, I did the casual side hug like I always do and then she sidled up to The Dad. He flatly refused. Why should she want to hug someone she doesn't even like?

And that's when she said it, deadpan face, no emotion, "But I do like you, just only a little"

When asked how she feels about mom, same response.

So, without getting angry or upset, I explained that affection is a privilege of a reciprocal, loving relationship. That we would always be kind and provide for her needs but that if she wants to return to an intimate relationship that includes hugs and kisses, then she needs to decide if she loves us. Then I directed her to her therapists if she needed help understanding how to do that.

She was angry, said that she NEEDED a hug and I called her bluff. "because it's a habit?"

"YES!" came out quickly.

The Dad asked her, "Do you love yourself?"

"YES!"

"Why? What about you do you love?"

"I'm pretty and I'm nice."

*we both had to bite our tongues about the nice

I asked her, "who is the author and creator of love?"

"GOD!"

"Very good. And God says in scripture that we are to be either hot or cold in our love and devotion toward him. If we are luke warm, that is, if we only like him a little, He says that he'll spit us out of His mouth."

*grunting*

"In other words, you either love God or your don't. You either love your parents or you don't. Hugs are for loving relationships. I'll rub your back if you're having a bad day, I'll brush your hair if you ask, but I agree with you dad. Hugs show love and you've openly admitted that you do not love us."

She went to her room and raged herself to sleep.

I really can't begrudge her for being honest. It might hurt like the dickens, but she's being honest and if there is one mantra we have drilled into her head, is that she be honest with us and with herself. Can this be called progress? That's tough. I think if anything, it helps make a clearer picture for her dad and I about how we should proceed in her therapy, psychiatric and psychological needs and how to manage her well-being in the home. It also absolves us of guilt.

*shaking my head* I never, in my wildest dreams could have imagined that this is how parenting might be. Never. It's a nightmare that I can't wake up from. My desperation to help her see and understand love is nothing more than a fire that will never take to flame. I weep for her, I mourn, I pray that God in His infinite wisdom has mercy for her soul. She is the product of her circumstance and it can not be undone. Yes, feelings change, yes, girls her age are moody and mouthy but no, under no uncertain terms is this the definition of a "normal" 10 year old girl in a relationship with two solid, grounded, loving, loyal, fair, honest parents that exude integrity. She does not, in any way shape or form, reflect our influence. I doubt that she is capable.

I imagine how Sissy might have been if not for the want of better brain chemistry and the absence of early childhood abuse. I see a beautiful, kind, loving and gentle child and that breaks my heart the most.