On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stick a fork in me

Today one of the IFI team therapists made the suggestion that perhaps Sissy is adamantly denying the voices she spoke to because they told her NOT to speak of them.

She's been a trip today, let me tell you. At what point does the RADs end and psychosis begin? This line is getting blurrier by the minute. Pdoc appt on Monday.

I'm exhausted so I really don't have anything more for you all today. Mostly, when I close my eyes and try to rest, I have visions and worries of my child losing her mind altogether and us not ever being able to recover it. Does she need hospitalization? is she on too many meds? Not enough meds? Am I making a bigger deal of it than necessary? Am I downplaying it too much and need to be more proactive? What if she's violent again - rage is one thing, violence is a horse of another color.

I'm so tired of being in crisis with Sissy. I'm just so tired of it. I know she's not doing all of it on purpose, that it's not all just her RADs but it doesn't make it any easier. I saw a mom with an impaired child the other day - her daughter had limited motor skills and was clearly MR but her child had a smile on her face, was compliant and loving.

Having a child on the edge of reality, a mind that is cognitively aware but slipping, the ability to manipulate, lie and self-preserve in a very perverse narcissism even though she can feed herself and toilet (although she needs supervision because she chooses not to use good hygiene and healthy habits) just might be the harder pill to swallow.

I'm cooked. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.


Lisa said...

Yep, same stuff here. People keep telling me that my RAD son (16) just needs more time. He'll appreciate what he's had after he's on his own awhile - blah, blah, blah. He's 16 - SIXTEEN, how much time are we talking here? I'm hearing mid to late 20's - so what about today and all of the todays between now and then? He's already burned most of his family bridges and all those "friends" and advocates he seems to attract don't hang around for more than a semester or two. Basically, it takes him a few months to make people run in the other direction. If he leaves the relationship first, they can still remember him fondly and tell others what a great little guy he is. I think if he had a MR dx, it would be easier for all involved. He doesn't - low avg. IQ - so the fact that he refuses (forgets) to do ANY type of hygiene, well that's not his fault, he just needs to be taught how (sigh....). The fact that I'm so negative is the cause of ALL of his negativity - hmmmm, I thought we were here to discuss weaknesses and problem-solve. I wasn't aware I was required to just be his cheerleader. I swear, the therapists and pdocs we've dealt with have mostly wanted me to tell them they're doing a good job and helping my son - but they aren't. I'm not exaggerating his issues, nor will I minimize them to make someone else feel successful. I don't think anything will help him at this point. He has to put in some effort and want to change - he doesn't see the problem (ah - that distorted view of reality) so why change? It is exhausting, it is unfair, it is our life.

Kerrie said...

"At what point does the RADs end and psychosis begin?"


Must be something in the air these days.

GB's Mom said...

Psychosis isn't the end of the world. J, MK, and GB, have all dealt with it at some point. There are medications that keep the voices at bay. IFI could be right- the voices could be telling her to be quiet. It could also be she is old enough and aware enough that she knows the voices shouldn't be there. I have seen it both ways. The RAD is just the frosting on the cake. Hoping to run away to North Myrtle Beach this coming weekend.

Meg said...

I read your post and then later went to this site and read this post and it made me think of your Sissy.

This young woman has Borderline Personality Disorder (which many people say RAD can turn into) and Bipolar Disorder.

You are doing a great job as a mom but I think you are dealing with a very complex situation that would wear anyone down.