On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, September 23, 2012


I want restitution.  For everything.  ALL of it.  Every last ounce of every bit of everything that has been taken from me.

I want it NOW.

The children's dad had his lawyer send a financial settlement agreement to my lawyer's office.
1.  he doesn't want to pay his portion of accrued marital debt
2.  he want's Sissy and AB's SSDI to count toward his portion of their child support
3.  He wants to reduce what he's paying in child support
4.  He wants to continue to use the home equity line of credit, borrowing freely even though that's MY equity because I have paid the mortgage, insurance and taxes on my own for the last nine months
5.  He doesnt' want to be held in contempt if he doesn't pay the equity line according to the loan agreement
6.  he wants ME to be held in contempt if I do not pay the mortgage, taxes and insurance in accordance with that loan agreement
7.  He wants to file joint taxes for 2012
8.  he doesn't want to pay alimony because we're both self-sufficient (but if I'm self-sufficient and have been since December 2011, why should I be expected to file jointly?)
9.  beginning in 2013 he wants to claim  Sissy and AB every year and I only claim WG

I am so mad I can't sit still, think straight, eat or speak.

Oh, an my lawyer quit, referring all of her clients to the ex's firm.  All clients except ME of course.  And my lawyer has yet to make a recommendation for who could take my case.  And I don't have money for another retainer for another lawyer.

And Sissy nearly ended up in the psych hospital again this week.  And knowing that I had so much crisis with her and called the state crisis hotline twice and had the mobile crisis team at the house to do an intake to determine if she should be hospitalized, her therapists NEVER called me or showed up.

And WG is an angry mess and the school is not seeing the whole picture so I've decided to withdraw her and home school her.

I haven't told her dad that yet and her first day is tomorrow.  he can kiss my grits.

I busted up my  ankle and haven't been able to wear closed shoes since Wednesday.

There's just so much on my plate.
I want to scream
I want to hurt something
i want someone to hurt as much as I do
i want restitution for all of it.
I want people to stand up and say, "HEY!  SHE MATTERS!!!!!!'
I want the pain to stop
I want life to be happy
So much has been taken from me.  More than words can say.  I have nothing more to give. To anyone. Ever.

I'm going to change my name back to my maiden name once the divorce is final.  And should there ever be another individual in my life that I might consider spending my life with, I still won't change my name.


Ashley said...

You matter. I'm listening.

kristib said...

For what it's worth, I think you matter. And it sucks beyond words that you're going through this. Email me if you ever want to talk. <3

MariaG said...

Oops ... I was thinking I was having issues posting my comment and now I'm realizing that maybe it has been going thru after all and you've just received my comment 5 or so times. I keep getting a message that the verification code is incorrect? I will leave it for now.
This was my response:

Oh I'm so sorry. You matter and he's being a ToTaL a_ _!!!!!!!! As I was reading about his financial idiocies, I was thinking "I hope she has a very good lawyer" and then you mention your lawyer issue. Too much! It's all just too much. How will you homeschool and teach? Please keep us posted.
MariaG (Canada)

Reighnie said...

I've been shitted on to no end and here's some unsolicited advice ( I know it's the best kind right?)

It's not going to really matter who validates you, it might be nice to hear but it won't close that void.

YOU have to be the person who speaks up and says "I MATTER". No one else will do it for you and until you do that void will grow bigger and bigger until it consumes you (if you're not there already).

Don't wait for anyone to do you any "favors", chances are they are just glad they aren't you. Get the ball rolling for yourself on the lawyer, be your own advocate and fight for yourself like you have for your kids. Just doing that will give you some peace of mind.

I don't know you of course but speaking for myself, I was the problem fixer for the whole damn world... when I needed help, well, where did everyone go? But by the time I came forward to ask I was so lost I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I felt so helpless.

Unfortunately, it took me getting to the point where "I mentally and physically just can't anymore, you guys are killing me and I'm going to choose me" stage to get there.

Girl, even my cat would backtalk me...that's how much of a doormat I had become for everyone because I just kept thinking I could not handle ONE more thing. I bet your ex thinks he's going to steamroll you. But his BS should be nothing compared to what you've been through kicking RAD's a$$ on a daily basis.

I had to get to the "I don't give a shit" attitude. "Yes, I love my kids. But I'm not going to live in fear, I'm taking back my control and all you people out there stop threatening me and just do what you're gonna do already,but know this I'm not going down without a fight. "

I started remembering the things that made me strong and I've been working on those things to get back to me. It takes a lot of letting go and a lot of saying what *I* need and want. New territory.

It will be yet another struggle and definitely hard at first, but it gets easier when you start to remember what you were like before. That is how you will start to feel like you matter again. No amount of saying it will make it true. You need to feel it in you and only you can make that happen.

I know, another thing to add to your plate, right?

Know this, it's the most important thing on your plate and it will make all the difference in everything you do. It will even make a difference in your children.

You are strong enough for this...