After therapy at the RTC and the long drive (this time in the blinding rain - had to stop 24 miles from home just because my eyes and brain couldn't deal with it anymore) I am tired.
Sissy was prepared with good hygiene and I made a big fuss about how I was disappointed that I brought the toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush and baby wipes for nothing. Sissy thought it was funny. I'm glad. Goal accomplished.
We didn't do talk therapy this time. We did a communication game which was a cool exercise but instead of feeling better about myself as a parent, I felt worse. NOT good. The last thing I need is a kick in the pants. I don't understand this therapist and that's doubly challenging because I've always managed to get along famously with other professionals in that venue. So I'm puzzled about why I feel frustrated and more anxious and angry after therapy instead of better. I think a lot of it has to do with Sissy. She is with the RTC staff 24/7 saying whatever crap that comes into her head and they are taking it all down. They see me for 45 minutes/week and have had their heads filled with all of Sissy's jargon about me so they approach me with a we need to fix the mom attitude. And I get defensive which only makes them all the more certain that it is me with the problem. Seriously, Sissy told the staff that I have a screaming issue and that she wishes I would practice the coping skill they are teaching her. (STAR - stop, think, assess, react). And of course, the therapist allows Sissy the opportunity to tell me that she wishes I wouldn't scream so much and the therapist asks me what I do to manage my anger when I'm frustrated with Sissy. So I looked at Sissy as I answered the therapist and explained the 6 different ways I actively engage in coping with Sissy's rage and screaming behaviors. That's right. Typical RAD, Sissy is projecting her bad behaviors on me and typical non-RAD versed therapist, she's assuming it's my problem. I wanted to stand up and say, "HEY, Numbnuts! Who's locked up in a psychiatric facility for their behavior, me or Sissy?!?!"
yeah. that probably wouldn't go over well.
So I played along like a good Mommy and then did all of the RAD therapy things I planned for Sissy during our free visit time, which included lots of PIZAZZ that Sissy practiced good hygiene like I asked.
On the drive home, I got some trouble-shooting phone calls on the cell phone that took even more of my energy (I need to practice throwing that thing out the window while I'm driving at 70 mph instead of answering it... geez).
So between the lying Sissy was doing about me to her therapist that the therapist was calling me out for, the long drive in the torrential rain and the trouble-shooting phone calls, I was physically and emotionally spent. I spent the remainder of the drive home reminding myself of the following three things:
1. I'm an amazing mom. I need to remind myself often that I'm amazing and I need to surround myself with people that tell me I'm amazing ALL.THE.TIME.
2. I need to learn to advocate for myself. If I'm always considering everyone else's emotional, physical, mental, environmental, spiritual and social needs before mine, I'm going to be all used up. I MUST serve my needs first.
3. other people aren't spending this much time and energy trying to be a good mom or trying to meet other people's needs. Sure, it's noble to be so self-less but in the long run, it's self-deprecating and it will have the opposite affect than what I intend. I will become a disrespected doormat and I will loathe myself for it. I need to stop overthinking things and just float.
So this tired but amazing mom is going to float her fanny to bed. If you don't like it, tough.