pictures

Here's some shots from our most recent visit with Sissy.
(click on all images to enlarge)
Where we went


I wasn't kidding when I said Georgia had gotten a lot of rain


And we're walking, we're walking ...


Ordinarily I wouldn't let the children torment park geese, but this was too funny to pass up


Hold the phone. What is Aspie Boy reading? Does that book say Peter Pan by J.M.Barrie? Why yes, it does! No, this wasn't from our outing with Sissy. This was last night. Aspie Boy scoured the shelves of books I have and snatched this one off. "MOM! You have "Peter Pan"?"

"Yes."

"WOW! Can I read it?"

What was I going to do, say no? This would be the same child that doesn't read anything voluntarily that isn't in comic book format. So yes, here is my proud mama moment for you to enjoy (I believe if I turned the camera on myself at this moment, I would have had a picture of my enormous toothy grin!!!)

Tools

Here's some "tools" Sissy has learned for coping skills and management of her anger that are extremely useful for everyone in the home. We've been actively employing them as Sissy learns them so we can all be on the same page when she comes home. Some are even printed and posted within eyesight in the kitchen. (I don't know about your family but 90% of the living in our home occurs in the 14x16 space that is our kitchen/dining room)

The Anger Rules
It's OK to fee angry BUT
- Don't hurt others
- Don't hurt yourself
- Don't hurt property
DO talk about it.

STAR
Stop
- stop the present action immediately
Think
- think about what it is that made you feel anger/frustrated/sad/etc.
Assess
- assess the situation to find a solution that might work for you and for any others involved
React
- react to the situation with your problem solving plan and a better emotion

ACCEPTS
for managing tough situations
Activities
- engage in a completely different activity than the one that is making you feel bad
(ie) if trying to ride a bike is making the child frustrated, they can put the bike away and switch to jumping rope
Contributing
- contribute to someone else's needs (ie) if the child is angry with a sibling, they can stay close to mom and help her fold laundry
Compare/Contrast
- compare/contrast the negative emotion or situation to something or some event/activity that made you feel good, focus on the positive feelings
Emotion
- try to change your emotion by doing something that will make you laugh or smile (ie) if you are angry about having to wash the dog, laugh when the dog splashes you and makes you sopping wet instead of getting angrier
Pushing Away
- conciously push away the negative thoughts and feelings and actively pursue the positive ones
Thoughts
- stop thinking about the negative things and concentrate on the positive things. (ie)instead of thinking I'm a bad person, I never do anything right think I have pretty hair, my friends think I'm nice, I feel good today etc.
Sensations
- change the sensations you're feeling. (ie) rub your self or hug yourself if no one is available to comfort you with touch, bundle up under a soft blanket. Change into clothes that feel comfortable and not restrictive, take a hot, soothing bath or shower, swim, jump on a trampoline, etc.

The Eye Smile

I get annoyed with myself when I can't cite my sources. I know only that I heard this information on a Nancy Thomas training CD. I'm sure she had sources for her info too. So excuse my ineptitude today. Perhaps the deluge just outside this kitchen window behind me has washed away my brain cells. (I do believe we Georgians will float away. I've plans to build an ark. RADishes need not have a buddy when they come on the ark as they will surely kick their buddy in the shins on the way up the plank)

I digress. It's this bloody rain!

Eye smiles, that's what I'm trying to talk about.

My degree is in Biology/vertebrate physiology with an emphasis on community health education. I taught Health, Anatomy, Biology, Physical Science and all maths grades 7-algebra 2. That is to say, I'm a bit nerdy. And I like scientific evidence of things, especially physiological proof. So much of RAD therapy feels loosey-goosey to me, which, with a severely left-brained POV, makes it hard for me to see and interpret the benefits. I think that's why this Eye Smile thing really got a hold of me, it's a more concrete concept that also has physiological evidence.

[aside] my right pointer finger is killing me, i sliced it working the other day and it is making typing this post extremely difficult

[aside to the aside]geez, maybe I should take some of Aspie Boy's ADHD meds today. lol

ANYWAY! *hit self in head*
Nancy Thomas talked about the nuances of smiles and the learned response infants in nurturing environments get from them. Thomas revealed the findings of a study in which infants, aged newborn to three months, were smiled at while the mother's eyes were covered. The infants, only seeing the mother's mouth, did not smile back at her toothy grin. Then the researchers covered the mothers' mouths, revealing the eyes only and had them smile at their infants again, being sure to make eye contact as they did. When the babies saw the smile in their mother's eyes, they smiled back, even though they never saw the expression of the mouth or cheeks.

What's more (and this is the part that makes me all tingly, being the science nerd), the researchers discovered that when an infant smiled at his mother, it caused a release of endorphins (oxytocin) that has the physiological affect of relaxing the mother, helping her feel bonded and loved. The response to her endorphin release would then cause a reciprocal response in the infant's release of oxytocin, enabling the child to feel safe and translate the abstract emotion of love, all from a smile exchange that occurred between eyes!

This just really gets me going!

This oxytocin release between bonding mother and infant is the same hormone released when you hug (Thomas recommends 12 hugs daily for therapeutic parents and traumatized children.) Oxytocin is also released from sexual intimacy between consenting adults. Not surprisingly, there is also a rise in this hormone when we eat the foods that make us feel loved and nurtured. Grandma's chicken dumplings when you've got a head cold? Can I get an "AMEN!"?

The opposite is true as well. Deficits in this hormone make it difficult to receive or give love. Guess what? Your RADish's hormone levels are low. Guess what else? If they missed this bonding time in infancy with a nurturing parent, they may even have a hard time translating facial expressions, similar to children on the autism spectrum. [1]

Do you know that the average annual weight gain for RAD moms is 20 lbs. per year because they subconsciously replace the nonreciprocating love from the RADish with food to get the same hormonal affect? It takes an extraordinary measure of discipline to keep those pounds off, doesn't it?!

And here's another twist for you awesome RAD moms. Are you feeling like your intimacy with your partner is out of whack? Could it be because your RADishes have drained your oxytocin levels by not reciprocating and as a result the diminished hormone has blocked your ability to connect sexually? [2] Christine mentions the 7-day sex challenge in this recent post on the sex-periment Striving to choose intimacy even when you don't feel like it will boost your oxytocin so that you'll want it more. (Try it. we did and it really works!!!)

Not ready to toss the cookies and cake, strip down to naked and hop in the sack? Then just start with the eye smile. Stand in front of the mirror and eye smile at yourself! Try it and see! I promise, you'll feel better right away. Then eye smile at your reciprocating children. Then eye smile at your RADishes (oh, it will annoy the crap out of them but you'll have been eye smiling all day so you won't care). By the end of the day you'll have avoided the Oreo Double Stuffs in the pantry and one eye smile at your partner and you'll be dashing to the room.

OK, so that's extreme but I promise. The Eye Smile works. There's physiological proof and clinical evidence. (And those facts alone make MY oxytocin levels go up!) lol

Here's proof of the eye smile. Look directly at the eyes of the images. What response do these images invoke for you? Do you automatically smile back at any of them? Can you tell which one is the Eye Smile without making eye contact with the image? I purposefully made one vague but I think it will still give you a positive reaction when you make direct eye contact.







[1]Sissy was working on understanding facial expression as part of her therapy at the RTC - she had to practice modeling her emotions in front of a mirror - call out the name of the emotion then make the appropriate expression She also had to connect the pictures of facial expressions of other people to the emotion she thought they were portraying. Kind of ABA/RDI stuff. Another reason the staff thinks she's on the spectrum and another reason I say it's just RADs

[2] this information is not from Thomas but from one of the episodes in the documentary this emotional life on PBS

Neurofeedback

anyone got links, books, info, what have you on neurofeedback:
1. the success rate
2. the methodology
3. the scientific research
4. how it applies to treating RADs and other psychological and developmental disorders
5. the availability of the technique
6. who is certified to administer and diagnose
7. how it pertains to correctly diagnosing disorders beyond what psychologists and psychiatrists can do and how it potentially changes the outlook of diagnostic tools for disorders in the future
8. how to get certified
9. and any thing else I missed!

I'm going to be doing my own research on the subject of course but I thought I'd give a holler here to see how the RAD mommy RADar pans out on the subject

I talked to Sissy's neurofeedback technician today and he was about ready to diagnose her with four new issues based on the read outs from her therapy and I wanted to say, "whoa Nelly, hang on a sec!" because really, can't our RADishes be diagnosed with just about EVERY thing in the books?

Gosh, when you've sat down to answer all of those crazy psychometric testing questionnaires for your kids, haven't you answered them in your head for yourself and said, "holy crap, I have all of this stuff too!" just based on those questions? Maybe it's just me because I have! lol Just last week filling out all of Aspie Boy's annual stuff his analyst and I were giggling over the fact that she and I both test out as having generalized anxiety disorder because the questions are so vague they apply to everyone.

Anyway, talk to me.
Peace out.

Pulse point

I'm just me. This cool broad that married a cool dude and thought it would be cool to have a job and a family and do the boring American family thing. Those were my aspirations. I'm not a licensed professional counselor, a trauma therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a medical doctor, or a pharmacologist. I'm just me and I made the selfish decision to be a parent.

Yes, I said selfish because with infertility, I could have chosen to invest my life in other equally productive ways but I wanted to be a Mom. I HAD to be a mom which meant I HAD to have some other woman's children. Doesn't matter that she wasn't capable of parenting them herself. It can be argued that my educational skills would have been best employed in a proactive way to benefit humanity by helping ill-prepared moms like my kids' first mom, parent their children. It can even be argued that given her mental health issues, she should have never been in an opportunity in which she could get pregnant with children she would never be able to parent. Which in turn begets the need for educated, unencumbered persons to invest in community health programs that redirect and assist challenged persons toward a meaningful adulthood that is functional and without the undue trauma of unwanted pregnancies and court-appointed revocations of parental rights. Which subsequently brings about the birth of equally impaired children that need adequate parenting.

Dizzy yet? What about all of the mentally capable parents out there that have made ill life choices that have resulted in trauma for their children? Who is being proactive on their behalf so that they can get their lives straight and be adequate parents? I could have spent my life investing in them, attempting to prevent children from being placed by repairing and rebuilding healthy families. What about all of the ill-educated, lower class persons that don't know there is another way to live their lives beyond sex, drugs, alcohol and birthing 5 children by age 22 to keep getting the welfare check? I could have spent my life helping them. I could have spent my days teaching and mentoring in an inner city school.

I'm not saying I chose the wrong path, I'm just taking my pulse to make sure I'm still alive and living my life the way I was supposed to be living it. Because what if I got it wrong taking the reactive approach to help manage humanity's chaos instead of the proactive road? What if no matter what road I take, I still muck it up? What if I blaze a trail on the road I'm on, full speed ahead, adopt another sibling group or two of impaired and/or traumatized kids and I crash and burn because for my life, that road was a one-way ticket to disaster and I missed the warning signs in my blindness to do what I thought was right?

My pulse says I'm just Jennie, a cool broad that married a cool dude who thought it would be cool to have a job and a family. I'm nothing special. I like to love and be loved. I like music and reading, sewing and laughing, being outdoors and being alone. I just want to embrace me and all the wonderfulness that is me and not feel guilty about it. I don't always want to be therapeutic RAD mom that has two bins in her cabinet full of some pretty strong pharmaceuticals that she has to dole out to her children every day, manages the five doctors for one child and four for the other and all the paperwork that goes with it, attends 504s and RTIs and IEPs and finds herself educating the educators, fills out reams of psychometric testing questionnaires semi-annually, drives to and from therapies ad nauseum, reads stacks of books to learn more but never gets a degree for what she learns even when she finds herself educating the multi-degreed professionals and does it all with grace and style and a smile on her face and a grateful heart because it could have been that I never got to parent at all.

No. I don't want to be her every day. Just like I didn't want to be any of those other people that do amazing things for humans every day. I just want to be me and to feel like that is enough. I want to put my fingers on my wrist and feel my pulse. Count the number of heart beats in a minute and be glad I'm alive. I want to be happy, with a happy home, a happy husband and happy children. I want to fill our tummies with nurturing food and read wonderful stories at bedtime. I want to wake up and smile and go to bed still smiling. I want to get to the end of my life and say, "it was hard work most days, but it was fun and it was worth it. No regrets." I don't want to wonder if I should have adopted more children. I don't want to feel guilty if I never do. I don't want to be afraid that I'll parent my RADish incorrectly or miss some crucial turning point in her recovery. I don't need to beat myself up for getting annoyed with her therapist that doesn't have challenged children and unwittingly makes ill demands of moms that do. I don't want to feel bad that she's had to be at an RTC. I don't want to always think about their first mom because gosh golly, I'M the mom! I don't want to spend my energy feeling like I've let God down because I didn't "die to my self" enough, whatever that means. I don't want to worry that I'm letting down all of the family and friends in my life. I don't want to wear myself out always trying to be a better person. I don't even want to think all of these stupid questions in my head anymore!

I just want to be Jennie, the cool broad that married a cool dude and wanted to be selfish in life and have a cool family and a cool job. I really didn't want anything more than that. Regardless of how many hats I try to wear in this lifetime, how many hoops I try to jump through to be the best possible person I can be or how many coulda-shoulda-wouldas I run through my head, my heart will keep beating ... until it stops. Somehow, in the middle of the insanity that is my life, I must be allowed to just be Jennie or my heart will stop beating sooner than I'd like.

hanging on to dross

It has taken weeks on end to unwind from the last 15 months of Sissy's ever-escalating behaviors that amounted to a whole lot of trauma and crisis for all of us. I really didn't know how severely her issues were impacting the rest of us, I was just muddling through day after day, puzzled by my unrelenting exhaustion and brainlessness. I kept telling my therapist that I would go to bed every night frustrated because I never felt like I accomplished anything in that day, all of my energies being sucked up to parent Sissy through the unending barrage of meltdowns. She assured me that mental and emotional investments in my child were nothing to scoff at, that I could go to bed with a pat on my back knowing that I hadn't destroyed myself or my family in the midst of that chaos. I always argued back that it didn't feel like my life was moving in a forward direction, that I'd reached a stalemate both personally and as a parent when it came to managing Sissy.

Like grains of sand running through my fingers, the anger, frustration and pain of managing Sissy's volatile behaviors for 15 straight months has ebbed away, leaving only the larger fragments of straw, driftwood, shells and beach debris to sort through. But still, my mind feels like white noise and my ears ring. My transmission is stuck in neutral, my body aches and my personal passions feel more like nagging goats than life-giving forces. Cognitively, I know that I'm still suffering PTSD despite the cessation of the rash of panic attacks I had in December. I know that if I'm not cautious, the dreary, rainy months of winter coupled by my PTSD symptoms and my slow thyroid could dip me into a depression. I know that I should give myself a license to rest and relax, to take advantage of my respite but I'm having a hard time accepting that freedom.

I've always been driven by an invisible internal mechanism of tightly wound cogs and gears. It's hard to let the tension in those springs loosen up. Parenting kids with needs has an opposite effect, forcing me to wind the springs ever tighter in an effort to maintain some semblance of sanity, continuity and functionality. In Sissy's absence, I've definitely unwound some but it is still difficult for me to be satisfied with a slower pace. Some of my racehorse attitude is inherent, most of it learned but all of it needs to be abandoned between now and Sissy's return or I will be on a one way street to mental breakdown after she returns. I'll be beating myself up for not taking the time to enjoy my peace.

So today, it is raining. Rain means no window washing. No window washing means no money earned. No money earned means we are that much further behind on our bills, bills which we still haven't caught up on from January due to The Dad's knee injury. My cogs and springs start to coil up and race when I think of it like this. It makes my heart race and my body ache, my mind go blank and my ears ring. But I'm forcing myself to rethink like this:

So today it is raining. Rain means no work. No work means I can be at home where it is quiet and enjoy a few hours without demands on me. No demands on me now means I can mentally, physically and emotionally rest for the months ahead when Sissy returns and will be demanding of me 24/7. I should be grateful for this respite, so many other moms would kill for this type of reprieve. I need to enjoy every ounce of this unfettered time and not feel the tiniest bit guilty

And seriously, i could absolutely wear this attitude if I knew the bills were paid! It's just so very hard to unwind, to be at peace, to thank God for this time knowing that Sissy's basic needs are being met so I can meet mine. I just don't know how to fully embrace it, I'm finding it darn near impossible and then angry with myself for looking this gift horse in the mouth.

I'm looking at all of these metaphorical rocks, shells, straw and driftwood left in my hands and I'm having a hard time tossing them in the trash without a second thought. I am having a hard time accepting that they don't have any real value beyond what I assign to them. They aren't treasures, they won't help me, they look nicer left on the beach, not in some jar on my shelf. Yet I feel the need to shove them into my sandy pocket and lug them around with me a little longer. Like grains of sand, my free time is running out and I haven't take full emotional advantage of it because I keep hanging on to the dross.

Somebody kick me in the butt please and save me from myself!

Missed you!

The past few days have been a blur that culminated in a whopping migraine yesterday. So I planted my fanny in the recliner and hunkered down under my softest blanket for the day. And I do mean, THE DAY. But hooray, I didn't toss my cookies and my aura never got so bad that I was seeing stars. *does a little happy dance*

Thus, I have missed being on blogspot, hanging out with all my RAD mommies! *begin round of hugging and loving to everyone* I've tried to catch up on everyone's blogs and yowza, ya'll have been busy!

We are past our halfway mark of Sissy's RTC stay. Insurance gives her the boot at 120 days so we are winding down now. It's been interesting sorting through the progression of my emotions for the first 60 days, most of which was relief and anger. And almost exactly at the 61 day mark, my emotions began to turn back toward missing Sissy and being anxious for how I will prepare for her return both with reading the literature and creating a support system here and in my heart. I told The Dad last night that if nothing else, Sissy's time away has put distance between our emotional connection to her behaviors and our connection to her. In other words (and I think this may be a key to successful RAD parenting): I am no longer feeling emotionally charged by her RAD behaviors so that I believe I can parent her without triggering her

yes, yes, I know. She's not home yet, and at the risk of eating crow two months after her return, I can honestly say that I have a tangible change in my heart toward Sissy that will hopefully benefit us both. Do I miss her? I'm not there yet. Let's say I have a hole in my heart because she's not here to give my love to and I don't feel like filling that hole with anything or anyone other than Sissy. She's going to do her worst and I know that whatever horrible behaviors I can conjure up in my imagination will pale in comparison to how she will be when she first gets home. The difference will be that I won't have already endured 9 straight years without respite. The difference will be that I will have done a lot of soul searching and personal redirection so that I'm more adequately prepared to parent Sissy toward attachment. The difference is that I've got a better handle on how to manage the other people in my family so that when Sissy escalates to crisis, we won't be shaken. The difference is Sissy will be less likely to escalate to crisis because I'll have a keener eye for her triggers and a more savvy ability to redirect.

Gosh. I really hope I'm not eating crow come May...

In other news:
1. Hooray! Sissy remembered to call us last night! In therapy last week we changed our phone call routine so that it forced Sissy to be more actively engaged. We now require that Sissy call US on Sunday nights. At 8:30 pm we were decidedly gloomy that she'd fogotten but we refused to be shaken. Afterall, we gave her the choice to opt out. At 8:38 pm, the phone rang and I flew across the room to pick it up. I think I squealed when I saw the RTC number on caller ID. She remembered! She remembered, she remembered, she remembered! I want to kiss something! Of course, the conversation was still a root canal procedure to get her to say anything or to answer our questions but wow. She called!

2. Wonder girl is having some night time issues. Nightmares, quasi fears, not wanting to be alone but wanting to be a brave big girl, climbing into bed with us on occassion and other such nonsense. I'm being patient and when she's feeling safe, we're talking it through. Her recovery from the trauma at home has probably been the slowest and hardest. Wonder Girl will get there. Yesterday as I bemoaned my throbbing head, she and The Dad played two games of Stratego and I have to say, for a 5 year old, she had a pretty good grasp on the game. She was also openly happy, confident and proud of herself with abandon. It was nice to see.

In therapy, the therapist and I tried to get Sissy to admit the harm she caused her sister. But Sissy faked a crying fit, said she was sorry (but wouldn't say what she was sorry for) and then instantly turned off the water works and began talking 100 mph about some pocket pet thing that costs $1000. As tudusamom told me that evening at dinner, if she can turn it off that fast and avoid going deeper, it wasn't genuine remorse.

So, the current plans (and God help us, in our tiny house) are to put Sissy in the living room behind a temporary wall with an alarm door when she returns. A bed, a dresser and a few items. No way in you-know-where am I putting her back in the room with Wonder Girl until I'm certain that a)Sissy can come clean about how she's hurt her sister and b)be safe to be with her again. I know that may mean months of an abbreviated living space and absolutely no unsupervised time for the girls but really, Wonder Girl is hurting pretty bad and since she doesn't have any diagnosed issues, I don't want to MAKE her have issues, can I get and amen?

3. Aspie Boy's meds got a jump-up last week after he told the small therapy group that he wanted to kill the president, shoot him and murder him. OYE!!!! *smacks self in the head with the butt of my palm* Rush off to the psychologist to do the annual eval and a call to the specialist the verdict is we up his Trazadone. the specialist thinks his moods are directly related to his ill sleep. So he's sleeping and isn't moody but gosh almighty, he's fast and stimming! yesterday he was thumping the kitchen table so hard while stimming that he nearly spilled my coffee and I was sitting at the other end! So... back to riding therapy ASAP. We get him on the horse next week. PHEW.

and that should catch you up for a day or two.
xxoo to everyone!