When I started this blog in November 2009, the puzzles I was trying to find peace with were my children, specifically Sissy and AB with their various mental health and developmental delay issues. At that time, I didn't know that the best way to solve any life puzzle is to start with oneself. Ha ha, joke's on me then because guess which puzzle I've actually been sorting out? ME! The question remains, have I found peace?
Hmmm... well? yes and no.
I'll start with the YES's.
I have peace about my decision to end my abusive marriage. In fact, from what I have learned since Dec 2011, it was a marriage in legal form only. There was nothing marital, communal, intimate, caring, giving, kind, loving, sharing, for better or for worse about it. By definition, it was most definitely NOT a marriage.
I have peace about my children's disabilities. When it makes me squirrely, I recite the mantra from AlAnon - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I can't change it either! Sissy will always be functionally 5, emotionally 2 with a mental capacity just below average which makes her a true puzzle. Some days she says the most intelligent thoughts which are invariably chased by the most absurd and laughable comments. I've' learned to look away so she doesn't see my smile or laugh and when I get a chance, I share her nuggets of gold so others can enjoy them too. I don't do it vindictively, it's more of a coping mechanism, a holy-crap-this-is-the-insanity-i-hear-all-day!
AB paces and paces and eats and paces and whines and paces and gets irritated and paces and swings and paces and eats and swings and paces and did I mention that he paces? Two weeks ago, after a long, harrowing night with Sissy, AB woke me up at 6:30 to tell me he was awake. OK then. Good to know. Then he went to the backyard and began swinging. By 7:00 he was back at my bedside to tell me the swing was broken. Good mom that I am, the first comment...ok. back up. NOT SO GOOD MOM that I am, the first comment was "AB! PLEASE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!" Then the good mom moment, "did you get hurt?" AB who is functionally 8 and intellectually two IQ points above Sissy, god save the queen. How. HOW! I ask you, how in blue blazes do I survive a single day? God only knows.
I have peace about the very real truth that I DO NOT want to be a grandmother, not by this lot, at least. Now, should a nice gentleman become a part of my life and have children that have children, cool. I'll be a step grammy. No problem. But AB's genetic disorder is sex-linked so the girls are carriers and let's not mention the fact that all of those other developmental delays and mental health issues are often inherited as well. *sigh* So. I have peace about that.
I have peace that the opportunity to bare biological children was stolen from me. Truth be told, should a nice gentleman come into my life now, even though I'll just be turning 40 in October, there is no way in hell I would want to go back to diaper days. oh my, no. It is what it is, this is the path my life took for better or for worse. So, I choose peace.
I have peace that my house hasn't sold and every application I sent was rejected. I have peace that for what it is worth, I am still here, in Georgia. Is it what I want? No, not really. So I have chosen to find peace in the truth that as I asked for open doors and I have gotten none, I am here.
I have peace in my self. I am healed, I am whole, I am light, I am love. I am as I am, right here, right now, in this moment. It has taken me SO MUCH WORK to get to this point. The depression, the anxiety, the fight to want life, the struggle to find my inner strength and beauty, the daily work to make my physical body healthy, the hours and hours of tears and weeping to get to emotional health, the determination to find friends here that fill me up and restore my social health, the struggle to juggle my responsibilities and keep my mental health, I have done it. I am doing it. It is ongoing. It easily falls through my fingers as soon as I let more than a day pass by me without self care. But now I can say that I like the woman I see in the mirror. She smiles back at me and her eyes sparkle.
Thus we come to the other side of the coin, in what ways does peace evade me?
At this time, I am so uncertain of the next turn to take in my journey. I have a goal in mind but is that the RIGHT goal? I don't know. I am weary of not having hope and dreams and a future. I'm weary of the uncertainty. I'm weary of the loneliness. I really am not good on my own - its' not a codependent thing like it once was, it is simply that I am a people person. I take so much joy from giving to others just for the sake of giving. And now that I know what a true, dynamic, healthy partnership should look like, I am excited to incorporate that in my life and for my children's lives. The unknown is so hard.
It feels as though my life has hung in a balance since Feb 2009, when it became painfully clear that my marriage was not going to be salvageable, though I tried. Oh, how I tried! Then a trip to Seattle to see my oldest sister put me on a course to find the things that resonated and filled me up. By November Sissy was hospitalized and my family was launched into the crisis that we are now emerging from. I am ready for this transformation to be complete. I am ready for what wants to come, to come, finally. I am longing for that happiness and fullness of hope that I see others easily abiding in.
My dreams tell the truth, I am forever travelling while I attempt to sleep. By planes that either break down, can't take off, get delayed or flights get cancelled. By trains that leave the station without me or that make a big circle and take me back to where I started. By cars in which I get put on detours through construction zones and I get lost. By boat in which the motors don't work or I run out of gas or I have to get out because it's sinking or paddles get broken or waterfalls ahead prevent me from continuing.
funny... i'm just now realizing as I type this that I never try walking away in my dreams.
All of that to say, I don't really have peace about this present moment in my life for the simple fact that I don't know where I'm going, how I'm going to get there or where I will be when I arrive. I know only that I'm on that road indefinitely and it is pissing me off!
OK, verbal vomit over. As you were.
besides, i've been sitting outside typing this and despite the bug spray, they are still eating me and now I have to pee. You're welcome. ;)