I keep trying to write a blog post then I delete it when I get half way through. I'm not sure what is happening in my life right now. I'm so very confused. What I thought was the right plan has been turned upside down and dumped out.
Other things have replaced my days and my thoughts. Now I'm wondering if I made the right choices to pursue those paths? Those doors just opened and I walked through. I thought that was the plan, the direction I was supposed to pursue. Maybe not? I'm questioning myself again.
Questioning because there are still so few answers. Still no clear direction. I am flying blind when perhaps my feet should be on the ground? Did I take to the clouds in error? I don't think so. If I listen to my heart, my intuition: if I dwell on the things that I've learned this summer, I can trust. But if I look up and beyond, I get dizzy and overwhelmed.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't know what job will hire me. I don't know if my house will sell. I don't know if I will find resources for AB and Sissy. I don't know what their adult future will be like. I don't know and it is making me crazy.
I am registered to take the content exam in Biology so I can demonstrate that I have the knowledge to teach the subject of my Bachelor's degree. I am hand delivering my application to grad school tomorrow for the MAT program (master's of arts in teaching for non majors) and I am contemplating a doctorate in education after that. I have mailed 10 applications locally and had one interview but was already rejected.
What am I hoping for? I'm hoping for a big break through. I'm hoping that this well I'm digging will eventually hit a natural spring that will fill it endlessly. I'm hoping for my happy day to find me finally. I'm hoping that the many years of pain and anguish and struggle and suffering will finally be over. I'm hoping to wake up and this journey will be over and I will be happily living in my new reality. I'm hoping for peace and love, for companionship and joy. I'm hoping that my fingertips don't break as I cling to this wobbly branch dangling over a cliff.
I keep marching, I keep smiling, I keep going. I just keep on. What else do I do?
Is anybody on this journey with me? Is this where you are too? I can't be the only person that is walking through this hellatious year we are calling 2014 wondering what the f*** is happening. If you are flying in the clouds with me, then let's fly in formation and make the journey easier. I'll be the first to take point. And when I see a safe harbor to nest, swim and eat, I'll honk out a victory call. OK?