Missive to the Whistling Tea Kettle

Just because I can...

Dear Tea Kettle,

I hope you can assist me in understanding better how you think and operate.  At this time, I am greatly concerned about your emotional well being.

When I fill you with water, you do not protest.  Thank you for that.  When I put you on the stove, you are compliant and you stay on your spot until I remove you.  I am grateful for this as well.  In a world filled with ADD diagnoses, it is quite comforting to know you will be still without reprimand.

However, when I am anxious for my tea, you refuse to boil quickly.  When I walk away and sit down because I'm tired of waiting on you, the instant my bottom hits the sofa, you begin screaming like a wild banshee.

Is it absolutely necessary for you to holler so loudly?  And this, when the children are in bed sleeping?  Don't you know you will wake them up?  I'm just trying to make a cup of sleepytime chamomile so I can rest easy too and there you go, screaming and hollering and making such a huge fuss.  It startles me and hurts my ears!  And the dogs protest. 

Your behavior is most irrational.  Of course the stove is hot and the water that is boiling within your stainless steel belly is 100'C.  You knew that such would be your plight when you were forged into your kettle shape at the factory.  Why scream about it every time as if you had no idea that it would get so hot?  Seriously.  It's too much.  I need you to calm down.

Be glad I'm not using the microwave to warm my water.  You and I both know that the microwave doesn't heat water as evenly as you do.  In many homes, the microwave has made the whistling tea kettle obsolete so you should be thanking ME that you still have a job!

Please, kettle, boil when I watch you and don't whistle so loudly while the children sleep.  That is all I ask.

Sincerely,
Matron of the Abode in which you Reside

P.S.  I can always boil water in a saucepan...