On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Not Fair

Yesterday Sissy managed fairly well after a very long, difficult week with her, due in large part to her "payback" for respite.

Which brings me to the question again, is respite worth it? After this past week, I'd say no.

Today, though, The Dad and I took one look at her when she woke and said to each other, "crap." because it was one of those times when you can just tell that her mind is unraveling again. Red flags like clothing issues, forgetfulness (both deliberate and absentmindedness), incessant picking at old sores, lingering, ...

and now she's screaming...


apparently I shouldn't suggest that she should take some quiet time to herself. Apparently such a suggestion means we should hear her scream for the next two hours about all the things we've done wrong and all the things she hasn't done.

"I didn't do anything" has just escaped her lips at the top of her lungs 30 x already since I've typed this.

Truth? I'm unraveling too. Which doesn't help matters.

It also doesn't help that once again, at a school meeting for Sissy (that I didn't call, mind you - her THERAPISTS called this meeting) I got the nth degree from the principal. According to her, the staff simply can't understand why they never see the behaviors I report and that their only conclusion is that it must be the way I'm parenting.

Of course, she was lying. Sissy had a rage just that morning.

Still, I got dragged through the meat grinder ... again.

And the therapists that called the meeting, let her do it. They didn't defend me. Not one peep.

Which caused me to consult a particular individual that I knew would have an honest, off the record conversation. "Are there rumblings of reporting me to DFACS?"

"Not that I know of," she said. "But did they tell you about what happened?"

Which is how I found out that Sissy raged THAT MORNING.

Uh. Hello? I NEED that to be reported! Currently the reason Sissy's CAFAS score is too low for RTC placement is because the school never reports behavior issues!


I CAN.NOT. be under the gun again.
It is destroying me.

Not only do I have a child that hates me, rages at me, gives me grief at every turn, ALL.DAY.LONG and then NEVER shows those behaviors for others, I have to answer to "professionals" ALL.DAY.LONG about what I'm not doing or am doing or what the BLEEP ever should be done for this child.

This child that doesn't care no matter what.

This child whose illness I can't parent, that NO human should be expected to parent without ASSISTANCE.

ASSISTANCE - not retribution, anger, disdain, disgust, malice, etc. from the professionals that are trained to HELP me raise this child.

It just doesn't make sense and it's not fair.
raise this impaired child that will never heal, raise her correctly without fail, without breaks, 24/7, do it as all the professionals command you to and when you do it wrong for even a smidgen of a second they will crucify you, threaten you, harbor ill feelings about you, discuss "your case" with all the other professionals and point the finger at your presumed negligence but... BUT won't take up the gauntlet themselves

WHAT the F!CK kind of system is THAT?

So I say, "uh, yeah. Thing is? I CAN'T parent this child. I have told ya'll that for SIX MONTHS now. I have told you it is RUINING my mental and physical health. I've told you over and over. CRIED while you've been IN MY HOUSE listening to Sissy rage. I've made it abundantly clear that my entire FAMILY suffers, that not ONE of us has quality of life yet she stays here. and you continue to berate ME for MY job ill done."

if I was in a CAREER? I'd have quit.

Can't quit a child. That's abuse.
But what if the child is abusing ME?!
What if the PROFESSIONALS that are supposed to be assisting the child and my family are expecting the impossible?
What if the constant barrage of questions about my ineptitude is ABUSIVE, UNJUST and UNFAIR? And the kick in the pants is i've TOLD them her needs supercede my ability - I've ADMITTED I'm not adequate to parent her!!!!

What recourse do I have?

Bottom line: no one is safe guarding MY a$$.

The system sets up parents for failure.

and no one cares.

If I put MYSELF in the hospital, telling people raising my challenged daughter has brought me to the brink, it'll still be "my case" and it will have no bearing on Sissy's.

*she's quiet now. probably fell asleep - which she needed, which I KNEW she needed but I knew she'd rage her head off if I actually said those words to her. Joke's on me. She raged her head off anyway. Joke's still on me - the professionals would probably tell me to handle it differently (as if there's a different way to handle it) but would get the same results from her. Joke's on me AGAIN because none of them will say, "gosh, mom. Sorry we second-guessed you. You were right." Not one of them would even remember the event long enough to use it as armor to defend me later. They'd tell me "mom, you can't be an island to yourself - you need support and encouragement" but ... HA. they don't. ever*

Sissy might scream all day long about how "unfair" her life is.
Boy, could I tell her a story about injustice.


Kristin said...

I am so sorry, sweetie.

You have tried and tried and tried.

Have you taped her rages to show these "professionals"?

Integrity Singer said...

@ kristin - LMAO! I have, have SHOWN them to the school and their response? "how old is your home? have you checked it for environmental hazards that would cause this type of behavior?" and I was like uh, yeah because we're swimming in a cesspool of lead, carbon monoxide and high EMFs but only SISSY feels the physical impact of it
but I said, stone-faced, "yes. the house is fine."

GB's Mom said...

Maybe your inside source can tell you when Sissy is off and running and you can run up and make the school document it in writing. {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Ranger said...

I'm sure you've been there and tried it, but is there any parental advocate group locally that can support you or go to meetings with you? Or is it worth going to the line managers of the therapists as you did before when a couple were being critical and not listening? Was what you told them minuted or recorded formally and do you have a copy of it and agree with how it was worded? Hugs.

kisekileia said...

What's in it for the principal to LIE like that? I mean, Sissy rages AT SCHOOL, in the presence of professionals, and then the principal says there are no rages? That's just bizarre. Is the principal telling people under her not to report stuff?

Any chance you can get Sissy switched to a different school?

cinch said...

I know what is in it for the principal...I teach in that county....a bad record for them. If there are issues the county administration comes down on them because NCLB says a school has to be safe and if a kid rages like that....then the school MIGHT be declared unsafe and that leads to a whole mess of trouble. It is brushed under the rug and not reported so there is NEVER a blemish on the county recored that someone can point to. IT IS VERY SAD!!!!

Kristin said...

So, it's time to talk to the school district. Or the state. If all they're worried about is the school, and not Sissy, it's time to get someone else in there. You have professionals in your home. They know Sissy isn't being abused.

Ya know what? You DON'T have to take that from the teachers. You might have to deal with Sissy, but by God, you don't have to listen to the teachers/professionals/therapists BS. If they won't listen, find someone else who can.

*hugs* again, honey. You gotta find the strength to keep them on their toes. That's just too much.

momof4boys said...

I can't even begin to tell you that you are writing my own story! I got to the point where I couldn't write because I believed that no one would believe me anyway. When my adopted son (FAS, RAD, and ADHD)reached 13 years old and was getting stronger then me, My husband begged social services to come and get him because I was taking the three little ones and leaving out of fear otherwise. They finally took him into care and then raked me over the coals for two years after but then finally admitted to me that there was truly something amiss about this child and were going to have him tested, whereby they found and diagnosed everything that I already knew. But who am I to know anything. I only lived with him 24/7. I feel your pain and I nearly lost my mind (literally).
Take heart! You will get your life back and you will heal in time. I did. The fight will be to not so much looking after Sissy to but trying to get the professionals to understand and help you! This is where it becomes the most trying. Praying for you!