On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

wireless for five days

I didn't do it on purpose. Halfway through I didn't say, "oh, this is good, I always needed a break from the webosphere." And even this morning when I woke up and got the kids ready so I could leave for respite I didn't say, "and now I will break my wireless silence."

Nope. I just didn't get to it. I think my laptop bag actually gathered some dust!

In five days we have:
- done therapy, therapy and therapy
- doctor appointment
- med change for AB (upped his resperidal and added back the trazadone)
- we beached it for a day with my friends that have a challenged son - strength in numbers - and ate at The Crab Shack (AB LOVED the exotic birds!)
- I assisted in WG's sunday school class
- we swam at the Y water park
- we bid farewell to the back yard pool that breathed it's last
- I quilted (pictures to come on the morrow)
- we made a trip to Hobby Lobby to get more fabric for quilting and got kid crafts instead because it's too hot to play outside (111'F with heat index) and ended up on the christian radio station doing a 20 second promo for a Christmas in July event
- WG had a playdate and her first non-family sleep over (turns out my tomboy is a Diva - she packed "extra clothes in case I can't decide what to wear" ROFL!)
- Sissy and I had "the talk" and a mother-daughter outing [1]

I don't think going wireless had anything to do with this busy schedule, we were too busy for me to think about getting on the computer. And since Sissy is doing well for the moment and AB has quite happily embraced life on resperidal, I've been able to breathe and live.

Hamlet says, "To sleep perchance to dream"
I say, "To breathe perchance to live!"

And the living isn't done. My MIL has purchased a timeshare so this weekend we wrap up the summer with a stay in our own condo for four days. All of The Dad's family will be there but we'll have a locked door and amenities to take it as we can. This is gold. If we had to be "in the mix" the whole four days, we'd have to beg off but the option to just stay in with all the necessary family accoutrement at our immediate disposal means we can do what works for us. But with both kids finally functional on their meds, we can breathe ... and live.

I wish I had known this time last year, that it would be medication that made my children stable. I wish I had known to push the doctors harder to go straight for the big guns. I wish I hadn't been afraid to dose these meds, afraid it would harm my children. I wish I had known about IFI services and how to get the CBAY waiver without requiring an RTC placement. I wish I had been blogging with RAD moms so I knew about some of the wonderful therapeutic parenting approaches people use. I wish I had been more desperate last year to live and not just breathe. It might have been the impetus for change sooner. It might have prevented Sissy's stay at RTC.

Hindsight is 20/20 and it doesn't serve to beat myself up for that which I could not predict or know. So I move forward from here. I'm gluten free for five weeks and feeling great, I've even lost a few pounds. I can't say it's all the gluten that has made me feel like I'm 20 again. It might be that I haven't had to manage a crisis for several weeks. It might be that I'm eagerly engaging in my quilting addiction. It might be that I finally have time to take care of me and that I'm getting the chance to look above the fray and enjoy my life for a moment.

I know school starts soon and that it will be one more transition. I know that it will mean Sissy will escalate to crisis and will need to begin employing all the coping skills and therapeutic approaches for stress that she's learned this summer. And I know she'll refuse to and be a major butt head. We had "the talk" because it's on the horizon, in about six months Sissy's stable meds will be challenged by her cycling hormones. I know that the school will be calling me at least twice a week because AB is under a desk refusing to do his math. I know that the kids returning to school means I return to work with The Dad. But I will have learned how to live and not just breathe so I know I will weather the approaching storms with more confidence than before.

I'm still walking on egg shells, anxiously anticipating a full-scale crisis but that will fade with time. Each day we live without crisis is one day closer for me to be a functional woman again. The air is clean, my head is clear and I feel like I can take on the world, well, at least my state. It feels like a new chapter in life.

Maybe we should adopt again?

[1]Mother-daughter outing with Sissy: Holy Cow! I can't believe we've gotten to a place where we could do this and BE SUCCESSFUL! We were still giggly and enjoying each other's company when we got home. She picked out a new pair of flip flops, a pink, glittery princess crown and a glow-stick magic wand. At 10 and entering fifth grade, I was hoping for something more substantial. She looked like an overgrown five year old. But who cares? She was happy. My IRL friend said to me, "well, it could be worse, she could want to do more grown up things too soon." TRUE! That is gold wisdom. I'm going to tuck that nugget in my back pocket so the next time Sissy tells me she wants to watch The Backyardigans I won't cringe.

RE: "the talk" Sissy interrupted me halfway through and said, "But mom. What if I decide I don't want to have kids. Cause I don't."

"Well, Sissy. Your body doesn't care what you decide to do. It will still get ready for a baby every month and you'll still get a period when you don't get pregnant."




peacechaser said...

I agree with the friend-enjoy the "childish" things while they last. My daughters classmates scared me a few years off me at their 5th grade dance a few years ago with their suddenly "mature" looks. As odd as an overgrown 5 year old might look, its far more frightening to see a pint sized sex machine approaching your daughter. The teachers reactions were priceless. Enjoy mom-no need to rush. And letting the daughter choose what HER hearts desire is, is a powerful sign of your love for her.

GB's Mom said...

I am so happy that things have come together for you. It is good to see you at peace with yourself.

Cyndi said...

I wish you all the luck in the world when your little girl becomes an woman. This has been very difficult to manage with the behavior issues that the kid already has. The mix of those behaviors and the meds to regulate them and the additions of any meds needed to regulate cycles caused extreme behavior issues in our RADish. Take this break now while you can and get ready for the ride of your life.

Mama Drama Times Two said...

I am printing this out and taping it to my sewing machine! "But I will have learned how to live and not just breathe so I know I will weather the approaching storms with more confidence than before." So glad you have recharged your batteries and your kids are having some good times too.

Jules said...

Yes! Great news! So so so so happy that everyone is doing well. So do you think she understood the details of the big talk?

J. said...

so glad to hear that the calm has lasted, it is so wonderful when that happens. may this week be as wonderful

marythemom said...

Having recently lost my computer, I wish I could have done what you're doing instead of scrounging around trying to find a computer to borrow and staying up until the crack of dawn so I could use it.

Mary in TX