On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life.
~J. Skrobisz

Monday, September 16, 2013

Die Frau

This past weekend I bumped into a former student.  I taught her and her two younger siblings.  She has a PhD in Biology and her siblings each have Master's degrees in their various fields.  She inquired about me and I just shrugged and chuckled.  "Eh. You know. Still teaching.  It's what I do."  I walked away feeling proud of my students for achieving so much and to have been one small stepping stone on their journey to success. But I also felt sullen that I haven't accomplished more in my lifetime.

39 is a month away which means I'm 13 months from 40.  I understand that midlife crises can be tough and I don't think I'm dodging that bullet but great scott, I really thought I'd be on a different life path at this stage in my life.  All of those "What do you want to be when you grow up" essays in grade school and beyond have been nothing more than fairy tales.

I am certain that most adults get to this point in life and feel roughly the same as I do now.  Things happen. Kids arrive, economies falter, countries go to war, disease filters in, loved ones die, relationships end, jobs are lost, new jobs are found, investments fail, houses burn, lakes flood, cars crash.  I listen to the clock and it just keeps ticking.  I look in the mirror and my wrinkles get deeper.  I have pictures on the walls of tiny babies but the bedrooms are filled with adolescents.  I keep teaching science to high school students in the same grades but somehow the children behind the desks get younger every year.

Some days, I feel so old.  Other days I feel so young.  What a weird place to be in life.

Duol!ngo is an app that will teach you many languages.  I've decided I want to learn German.  Actually, learning my father's native tongue - a Ukranian dialect - was on my bucket list but since he was born in Germany when Poland was occupied, I have dual citizenship there.   So I downloaded that app and I'm slowly working my way through the German lessons.  Today, during some downtime in the lesson plan, one of my students was on his device...practicing his German with the same app, just one lesson behind me.  I felt excited to have someone to share my journey with.

My bucket list also includes:
Learn Polish German
Get a PhD in education
Buy a truck, a horse trailer, a farm and my own horses
Run an organic food co-op that is employed by special needs adults
Write a book that is published
Take a cross country tour
Own a boat and an RV
Take a cruise
Visit all the continents
Get a hunting license and kill my own meat
Leave an indelible mark on humanity
Be scrapped for spare parts, the remains burned and tossed to the wind

Maybe I'll find love along the way.  Maybe not.  I don't particularly like being alone but being single sure beats being in an abusive marriage.  One way or another, I'm certain to make great friends along the way that have one or two of the same items on their bucket list.  I can revel in the fact that I have assisted some students toward achieving their goals and I know that in everything I set my mind to, I'll be teaching others along the way.  It's what I do, It's who I am.

Die Frau hat eine Pferd.

1 comment:

Maebius said...

Your second to last entry can be crossed off. You may not see it, but I'm sure it's been done. :)