tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post4261985455289990313..comments2023-10-01T06:32:11.982-07:00Comments on PEACE in PUZZLES: more RAD questions for Awesome RAD momsIntegrity Singerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09196095126605205738noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post-67737638109790238032009-12-16T11:24:58.385-08:002009-12-16T11:24:58.385-08:001) Yes, I have used the sugar method that Nancy Th...1) Yes, I have used the sugar method that Nancy Thomas prescribes. It's not a free-for-all-sugar binge, but rather a purposeful response to B's moods. I have a supply of tootsie rolls, milk duds and caramels, something sweet, chewy and that takes a long time to eat (and also keeps his mouth busy so he can't talk) and when he's got a sugar in his mouth he is on my lap like a baby with his eyes on me and I rock him and sing to him. It's a therapy tool, not a cure all, though.<br /><br />2) Not sure what to say, actually, I have learned a lot....sometimes I think it's all just too hard and too unfair. But it has brought me closer to my God, and I believe that's the point of life.<br /><br />3) My hubby and I are a team. he is very involved and capable in parenting & RAD parenting. <br /><br />These other ladies all know a lot more than I do...but I keep plugging away!~Dinahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07473448768301577048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post-88047996373643893862009-12-14T06:43:53.473-08:002009-12-14T06:43:53.473-08:00okay let me try to wrap cold addled mind around so...okay let me try to wrap cold addled mind around some of this. <br /><br />1) I think food = love, it doens't have to be sweets per say but in this house food is doled out by me ( occasionally Dad) and we have had many conversations about how it is parents job to nurture and protect their kids and food is one of the things that you need to survive. Treats happen on occasion but there is not a lot of sugar consumed in this home. <br />2) I don't think it has made me cynical but I am not the same Mama I was a year ago. If we give Calvin an inch he will take a mile and run with it. I am tough on him and I have high expectations for him and I call out him on every little thing but it works and then with in those boundaries he is a great kid to be a round and we have a lot of good times together but I can not for one second sit back and relax with him or the walls we have worked so hard to build will come crashing down around us. <br />3) My husband is a gem, sometimes he thinks I am to hard on them but he never ( well almost never) says anything in front of them and when I am struggling to stay calm and I tell him that he has to field this one he does - we have struggled together as we have walked this road but we have both learned so much and he trusts me and my judgement.stellarparenting.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04975942737904876508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post-1419024165817362902009-12-13T14:44:01.315-08:002009-12-13T14:44:01.315-08:00Great questions! Here's my answers:
1. No, I...Great questions! Here's my answers:<br /><br />1. No, I don't subscribe to the sugar=love thing. Candy was used VERY inapproapriately in my boys' former lives (especially my youngest) and it's now a trauma trigger for them - and especially for my youngest son. Unfortunatley, if it is not carefully controlled, it turns my kids into complete monsters.<br /> <br />Early on when we first brought our kids home I did bottle feed them (at ages 7 and almost 3.) During those times I would use warm lightly sweetened milk or watered down juice. During those times, the sweeet WAS very helpful for facilitating bonding. But when it had served it's useful purpose, it was done.<br /><br />I completely agree that refined sugar is highly addictive. I also try to use alternative sweeteners when I can to reduce the amount of refined sugar, but I'm not super strict about it. I guess it's because I've also seen many who are deprived take it to extremes as soon as they are able. <br /><br />So, we do allow some sweets in moderation - as long as they come from us and not other people. We've also trained them to ask us for treats when they want them. We try to make a point of saying "yes" quite frequently so that when we do need to say "no" (it's dinner time or they've had enough) they will accept those limits without putting up a fight. What we've found is that this approach has significantly reduced the need to hoard (in fact, it's pretty much gone now) and it's also increased trust levels with us. They know that just because we said no this time doesn't mean they can't ever have them again or that they need to go crazy the next time they do have the opportunity for a treat.<br /><br />My biggest struggle with candy and junk food is the copious amounts of the crap that other people give my kids. Every time they turn around, someone is giving them candy or cookies or other junk food. They regularly get candy at church, at school, at the bank, EVERYWHERE! And it freaks them out every single time. I hate it because I always have to be the bad guy and confiscate it. I feel like screaming from the rooftops "Please, people, I know you mean well and you don't realize the damage you're doing, but DON'T GIVE MY KIDS CANDY! It causes more problems than you can ever know. While you might only see it as a treat, in my kids' world, it's equivelant to giving an addict a shot of heroine. They'll take it, they'll love it, and then they'll take it out on me." Yet oddly, we don't have the same problem when the candy or sweets come from us.<br /><br />2. I've found myself actually being more compassionate and understanding towards other people as a result of parenting my kids. I totally get what it means now to experinece hard thing and the toll it can take on your life. As a result, I'm a lot more tollerant and aware of other people who are going through hard times. I might not know what it feels like to live with a spouse who is suffering from cancer, but I do get how hard that can be and what a tremendous strain that type of thing can put on a family. I'm also a lot more able to recognize when other people really do need help - and especially when they aren't necessarily asking for it.<br /><br />But, at the same time, I'm also much more cynical and much more of a realist than I ever was before. I don't do floofy-doofy, I don't do fake, I don't do materialistic, and I don't do fantasy. I don't have time for it, I don't have patience for it, and I know all too well what will really happen if I do try to escape reality, even for a few moments! So, I guess you could say that I'm a lot more "cut the crap and cut to the chase" than I ever was before. <br /><br />3. Like most husbands probably are, mine is more supportive than actually in the forfront with RAD parenting. However, he sees that it works and has taken some initiative to learn about it. He's not always the best at implementing it yet, and he does get frustrated with the kids a lot easier than I do, but he's trying and that's what matters most.Dianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08444891084585965661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post-43931696834880876562009-12-13T07:47:30.920-08:002009-12-13T07:47:30.920-08:00Well, let me first say that Christine is my hero (...Well, let me first say that Christine is my hero (seriously, and she knows it, because I tell her all the time.) and I *want* to be more like her but it is a constant struggle.<br /><br />1) I am not a proponent of sugar=love. Which is kind of weird, now that I think about it, because I often show love by cooking for people. But sugar/candy/junk food is not healthy, it's not something I let my other kids have very often, it's a special treat.. and so I have a real issue with taking the kid that treats everyone like crap and makes everyone else's life difficult and giving them MORE of what the other kids rarely get. If they are "available" (through good behavior) for treats when the other kids happen to be having some, great. If not, sorry. And there are times when *I* get the reward of special candy and ice cream for putting up with especially difficult behavior, which makes Miss Defiant crazy, but the short (long) answer is no, sugar is not love (for me).<br /><br />2) I am less trusting and more suspicious of everything Vivi does. Because when I let my guard down, she stabs me in the gut. But I think for the most part, I am able to still be myself with my other kids and the rest of the world. I think in some ways I am more compassionate with others, more empathic.. but in other ways more cynical.<br /><br />3) Not so much. I am the RAD parent and he supports. He does not undermine as much as he used to (before our son went to residential) and he believes me more.. and I listen to his input more.. but still, he works out of the house and travels.. and I am with Vivi 24/7. I wish it was different. I don't know how to make it so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-347324365882583578.post-20280603465921712582009-12-12T11:07:32.081-08:002009-12-12T11:07:32.081-08:00#1 - This is an area where Nancy Thomas and I disa...#1 - This is an area where Nancy Thomas and I disagree, to some extent. For instance, when I was bottle feeding my 8-yr-old RADish, I warmed milk (but it was always organic or soy/rice milk) and added honey to sweeten. Nancy talks in her seminars about how if a family of X number of members is not going through X gallons of milk a week, someone is not getting enough calcium. That's absolutely, positively not accurate. Well, it IS, if they only way your family gets calcium is through milk.<br /><br />We use whole grains. We sweeten with honey or natural sweetners like Stevia. I nurture my kids through comfort foods which are still very healthy. The truth is that can and do become addicted to refined sugar. Cutting out refined sugar decreases your cravings. Doesn't mean you can't have things which are sweet, but you sweeten with things your body can actually process.<br /><br />Not to mention, local honey has a crazy amount of good properties to it. My kids put local honey on all sorts of stuff.<br /><br />So, I agree with the concept of utilizing sweets with bonding, but completely disagree with the definition of "sweets."<br /><br />#2 - I remember sitting through some foster parent training, and listening to our instructor talk about how she questioned her best friend's judgement. This friend's husband was in charge of bathtime every night, and the olest kid was five. This fulltime case manager was appalled, and then admitted she was at their home one night and watched the bedtime routine unfold, and realized that, perhaps, it wasn't innapropriate.<br /><br />This woman was totally jaded, due to her life experiences. I remember telling myself, "Don't EVER be like that!"<br /><br />Annnnnd yet, here I am. You have days when you're pretty sure even the mailman is trying to manipulate you with his, "Good morning!" What did THAT mean?? <br /><br />I joke, but I totally get it. You balance it by acknowledging you are that way. Then you do what we have our kids do - you practice. You may still feel jaded, but you practice being soft and gentle. You fake it til you make it. And it is continuous, because our kids' stuff is continuous. <br /><br />#3 - I have the best spouse on the planet. Hands down. If I thought I could rent him out, I would do so. YET, it is not because he always takes the initiative. I have to tell him what I want and need from him.<br /><br />When reading something, I leave the book and post-it's all through it with "reading assignments." Leave them beside the toilet. Works like a charm.<br /><br />I pulled him aside just this week and said, "Rocky is back into his old habit of treating me worse when you're not here. This is a time when you need to have the discussion about him receiving double consequences from YOU, on top of what he receives from me, etc."<br /><br />Two weeks ago, he had the day off, and told me to disappear for the whole day. HOWEVER, before I left, he gathered everyone around and said, "Can anyone tell me why Mom does NOT deserve a day all to herself? No? That's right. She does. Not only are we going to give it to her, but we are not going to pay her back when she returns. If you are upset today about her being gone, you just let me know by misbehaving. I'll help you find a nice quiet place to read and relax ... for a very long time. If you decide to try to pay mom back tomorrow when I'm gone, you will receive double consequences from me, and it will involve doing lots and lots and LOTS of things for Mom the following day."<br /><br />Sometimes, when I am away, he will text me for quick little "helps" on whatever situation is going on, so we stay on the same page. The kids play MAJOR dumb when alone with him, etc.<br /><br />So, I brag all that to say this: he is what I ask him to be. Our therapist included him in attachment therapy as many times as possible. There are many times when I will say, "Could you handle this one?" and he does. I gently clue him in on my needs and we present ourselves as a united front. Always. <br /><br />Like ... always.Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07276000726366302069noreply@blogger.com